Back to Work

I am back to work.  Yesterday was my second day.  I am working Mondays and Thursdays.  It has gone better than I expected.  Everyone has been very nice and helped me find everything again - Everything has been moved and there is all kinds of new equipment that I have never heard of.  When I asked, someone said "We have had that for six months".  I said "Well I've been out for nine months!"  "Oh yeah" 

It does feel good to have some part of my old life back again - to feel useful again, if only a little bit.  I have done better than I thought I might.  I thought that the Chemo might have fried my brain - that I would not be able to remember my job, but it is coming back to me.  Like riding a bike.  Slowly, but surely.  I even remembered my password to get into the computer.  I was impressed with myself for that one! 

I am tired after work!  I spent most of last nigh on the couch and then slept about ten hours.  I don't think that I am strong enough to work full time yet, two days a week seems to be just right for now. 

I am on my way!  It feels good. 

Going Back to Work

The time has come.  I am going back to work - part time anyway.  Not until November 8th, but now I have a hard date.  I am scared.  I have been out of work since February - Valentines Day.  That was a really long time ago.  What if I have forgotten everything?  What if the Chemo has fried my brain?  What if my brain just doesn't work like it used to?  I am going to have patients depending on me to take good care of them - what if I can't?  What if? What if?  What if ???  I know that sounds like a lot of 'what if's, but there they are.  I used to be so sure of myself at work - I have done this job for almost fifteen years - I have seen a lot of things go down and I was always sure of what was expected of me.  Now - I am not the same person - I have Changed!  Some changes have been for the best - I'm sure.  But some ...now I am less sure of myself, of my body.  My body has let me down - now I just don't know how it will react to anything anymore.  I'm sure it will all be fine and it will all come back to me - like riding a bike.... I'm sure . . . 

I am getting better.  I have hair now!  Enough to Wash!!!  I washed my hair today!  I know that to everyone else that is an everyday thing, but I can't even remember the last time I had enough hair to wash.  Now I am waiting for it to be long enough to color again - I hate the Gray.  I haven't seen my natural color in a really long time - maybe College?  and there is way more gray than I remember!  I stopped into the hair dresser the other day.  Just to say Hi and I was hoping he would say "Sure there is enough to color it"  He didn't.  He said maybe by the Holidays.  I guess I should just be happy that I can wash it.  And now I have enough hair to shave my legs.  I am not so happy about that, but it is another way that I am back to normal. 

I am ashamed to say that I have not been working out since my ports came out.  I was sore and tired and I just didn't do it.  I am confessing to you - my faithful readers.  I am going to get back on that horse this week - I promise.  I am accountable to you - so I have to.  Thank you for that - with out you readers I would just forget it - be lazy - and never get back into shape.  But with you - I will!

Thanks for all the prayers and support - I can feel it!

My Ports are Gone!!!

My ports are finally gone!  I am so happy about that.  I am a little sore and tired, but they are GONE.  My last big procedure - over.  I am on my way to getting healthy.  No more going backwards, only forwards. 

Last night we went out to dinner with the people from Jim's work.  It was a "Celebration of Life" for me and fellow cancer survivor Rich.  It was so nice to feel all the love and positivity coming from everyone.  I really felt the Celebration.  I am Living and I am a Survivor! 

As for working out, I have not.  Just recovering for a couple of days and then back to it - I promise. 

I think that I am going to go back to work soon - maybe November.  I am scared - What if I can't do it, what if I get to tired?  I have some time to decide - until I recover.  I'm gonna have to go back sooner or later. 

My Ports are Comming Out!!

Covered Bridge is over!  And my Ports are coming out!  And my bloodwork is Normal!!  I'm having a pretty good week. 

For once I got pushed up instead of getting pushed back.  The Dr. called and moved my port removal up a week, so I am getting them out Tomorrow!  I am excited.  This is the last of the big procedures.  I shouldn't need any more after this.  I think that it will be cleansing to have them out. 

I had to have bloodwork done to get the ports out and for the first time in seven months - it came back competely normal.  That is a really good feeling.  There have been times that it was close to normal, but there was always something.  this time - nothing was off.  I know that I am not normal - But now I Am Normal! 

I told you that I was going to start training for the 10 k next year and I have.  Today I walked 0.8 miles on the treadmill.  That doesn't sound like much, but I started.  I promised that I would and I have.  I have a really long way to go, but I took the first step! 

Fair is Over!

Fair is over.  We all survived and are getting ready for the Covered Bridge.  I spent way to much time on the couch this year!  I am surprised how little time I was able to work.  I really thought that I would do better - I am disappointed in myself.  Everyone was fine with me going home and resting and I appreciate that, but I would rather be the strong one.  The one that can muscle through it.  Apparently I am not that person! 

Everyone is also wondering when I am going back to work.  I am wondering that myself!  If fair taught me anything, it is that I am not ready to go back yet.  I didn't work eight hours in a row all week.  I did a lot of laundry and some cooking at home and then went in and tired to work some.  The thought of being on my feet all day and being responsible for patients - I'm just not there yet.  The insurance keeps calling and so did my boss.   I want to say that I am strong and ready, but I'm just not. 

I get my ports out in two weeks and I am excited about that!  It is another procedure, but it will be so nice to be done with them.  They don't hurt - they are just irritating more than anything - a reminder of all that I have been through.  Looking in the mirror is quite a reminder as well!  My hair is going back - more gray than I would like - and the wrong color.  I can't wait until I can color it.  My eyebrows are back as well.  I may have to have them waxed soon.   That will certainly be a milestone, won't it! 

I have set a goal for myself.  I am writing it so that I will HAVE to do it.  All of you who read this blogg will be my witness.  Don't let me out of it!  This Sunday Candy's place is haveing a 10 K relay.  Next Year I AM Going To RUN the ENTIRE THING!!!  That is my Goal.  I will be well enough and strong enough.  I will Do It! 

That is all for now.  All and all I am doing well and getting stronger every day. 

Fair Day Two

Here I am again on the couch.  I only made it two hours today.  I am really disappointed  with how I am doing this week and it only just started.  As always I thought that I would be stronger.  I thought that I would last longer.  I know that I did too much yesterday and now I am paying for it.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better. The more time on the couch today means less time on the couch tomorrow. Every day I hope that I am getting stronger - but it will never be fast enough for me!

The fair is here!

The fair has started and I am at my mom's house. I worked for a while today, but now I am out of gas and on the couch. It was really hard to come home and rest, but if I don't I won't have anything left for the rest of the week. We are all wearing our ovarian cancer wrist bands.  Remember September is ovarian cancer awareness month!! 

My Three Words

I'm sorry, but I can't seam to rotate the video.  I hope that you like it.  I am a Survivor! 

We are all getting ready for apple dumplings.  Fair is almost here.  I can't believe it, the last seven months have gone by so fast, it is mostly just a blur.  I am hoping that I will be able to help.  I am going to do what I can, but I know that it won't be as much as I want.  It will be a good test to see how close I am to being ready to go back to work. 

I will be getting my ports out on October 15th.  I am excited about it.  It will be the last step.  I will be officially done with this whole thing.  I will still need to have lots of checkups, but I can live with that! 

Hi, I'm back again

Hi everyone, sorry that it has been so long.  Things have been a little crazy around here.  I am feeling better a little at a time.  I wish it was faster, but I am on my way to being myself again.  I don't have the stamina that I wish I had, but at least I am moving around again.  I usually have a few good days where I feel almost normal, but then the next few days I am on the couch again - the time on the couch seems to be getting shorter.  I have tried to start exercising - boy am I out of shape. Six months of being sedentary has taken it's tole on my body - that and being cut up like a Christmas Turkey! 

My hair is starting to come back.  It just makes my head and face look dirty.  I'm glad that it is coming back though.  I am not glad that my 'old lady hairs' and my mustache came back first and in full force.  I thought that they might not - that would have been one good thing about this whole thing, but I guess I will just continue to be hairy. 

I had a ca125 and a cat scan last week and they both came back NORMAL!!  I am so relieved, to say the least.  I was not really worried, but it is nice to hear it.  Next I have two appointments with my surgeon and my oncologist in two weeks and then I can get my ports out.  That will make me very happy!

Devin has gone off to college this past week.  That has been a bit traumatic here at home.  Her father and I delivered her to school on Saturday.  It was hard to leave her there, but we are so proud of her.  The house is a little quiet and the dog is missing her alot - as is her Dad. 

Jim's Mom has also been in and out of the hospital and a local nursing home in the last few months.  That has been weighing on us greatly. 

Apple dumpling weekend is coming fast.  I know that I won't be able to do what I did in the past, but I should be able to help some.  Probably a sitting job - I always wanted one of those - not like this, but I guess I'll just take what I can get. 

All in all, we are on our way to feeling better and getting back to a 'Normal' life - what ever that is.

No Mastectomies for Me!!

I got a call yesterday from my Dr. - I do NOT have the gene mutation for breast cancer!  I am so relieved!  There is a gene that connects breast cancer and ovarian cancer, so if I had the mutation in that gene my risk of developing breast cancer would have been very high.  If I had the mutation then my family would have to be tested for it as well. Now we don't even have to think about that any more.  It has always in the back of my mind, wondering if I was going to need more surgery.  Thinking about all the pain it would cause me and all the fear that others in my family would have to think about the same things that I have been thinking about for months.  I am so glad that none of us have to think about it again.  My Mom said that she wasn't that woried about it - that only 4% of women have the mutation.  I can't play the odds any more!

I am so glad that I am done with treatment.  It feels good.  I wish that I was healed already.  I am impatiet to be strong and myself.  I felt pretty good for a few days, but now I am going down again.  I am sure that my hemaglobin is going in the toilet.  I am so out of breath today and it is getting worse.  I go for bloodwork tomorrow in the morning and I am sure that I will need blood.  I hate to have it, but it will make me feel better - then I will be able to go up the steps with out feeling like I just ran a mile! 

It is frustrating to not be better - I'm done and now I want to be done done - be myself again.  I will be strong again - I will be myself again.  I know that I will.  I just want it to be now! 

I Caught the Carrot

I finally caught the carrot.  Yesterday was my last treatment!  I can't believe that it is finally over.  I am so tired, but now I know that I am on the way up and I don't have to go down again. 

Treatment Tomorrow

It is like a carrot on a stick.  They just keep dangling the end of this thing - or nightmare, depending on how you look at it - in front of my nose and pulling it away.  I had blood work today - expecting my platelets to be back again.  Well, they were, but my white counts were to low.  Was not expecting that. 

The Dr. said that I could try today for my treatment if my platelets came up.  So I went in today - accessed my port and had my blood work drawn - and waited for them to tell me that I could go.  They did not.  Dr. Said NO.  But I got a neupogen shot and I can have my treatment for sure tomorrow. 

I feel like it is never going to be over.  I get myself all worked up and then get shot down - twice now.  I am glad that I know tomorrow will be it.   Then there will be a whole new set of things to think about, but for now I am going to be happy when I am done.

No Treatment Tomorrow

Got my bloodwork done today and it is in the toilet again.  Well not really - just my platelets are.  They are 77 and they need to be over 100.  Dr. says that I have to wait until next Thursday.  I have an appointment with her in the morning - hopefully I can try my bloodwork again on Monday.  We will see. 

Soooo sad today. 

Three days to Go

Three days until my last treatment - if it goes.  I am feeling a lot better since my transfusion.  I'm really glad that I got it  - even though I didn't want to do it. 

Yesterday Jim, Devin and I entered some of our art work into a show in Wilkes Barre. I had played around with some crayons and some water colors - It was fun - sort of freeing.  Got a bunch of feelings out without really realizing it.  They just sort of fell out onto the paper.  They aren't any good, but they mean something to me. 

After we dropped our stuff of we went shopping for Devin's dorm room.  That was kind of fun and I had enough energy to do it.  Last week I would not have been able to do it. 

Now I am just counting down to Thursday.  Tuesday I get a neupogen shot, blood work and another shot on Wednesday and then Dr. and treatment on Thursday.  Almost done!

Doughnuts for Blood

Yesterday I got my Stwo units of blood.  It went OK.  No real problems.  We stopped and picked up doughnuts for everyone at the Cancer Center.  The intake guy saw the doughnuts and said " Doughnuts for Blood"  It made me laugh.  I hated getting the blood.  Knowing that Someone else was a part of me now.  I am glad that I got it - that it was available to me.  I do feel better.  I have more energy and Jim says that I have a lot more color now. 

Six more days until my last treatment - if it goes.  I just keep counting down - hoping.  It feels like it will never get here. 

The count down begins

Today is the beginning of the countdown to the last treatment!  One week from today could be my last treatment EVER!!!  The problem is that I'm not sure that it is going to go off. 

I went for blood work today. I had let myself forget what it was like there.  I still hate walking in - even though everyone there is wonderful.  They are so caring - beyond my understanding - they always try to make me laugh even when I'm so sad. 

I asked for blood work today because I didn't feel good and I want to do everything that I can to make sure that I can get my treatment.  Well, I'm really glad that I did.  It is in the toilet to say the least!  Everything is to low. And then I heard the words that I was dreading, but knew were coming - "Have you had a transfusion yet?"  No I have not!  But I am now - back to the Cancer Center - my second trip for today - for a type and cross.  Tomorrow I go for two units of whole blood.  Yuck!  It should take about five hours, so it will be just like another treatment - except I should feel a lot better after it is over.  I sure hope so. 

I am getting better at dealing with this whole thing.  I have been prepared for most everything that has come my way recently.  This blood work thing - I was not prepared.  I just thought I was gonna get through this less scathed than I have.  I just need for this to be OVER! 

I guess that this will all be worth it in the end.  To be healthy again - to be able to do what I want again.  Sometimes it is just hard to see. 

My life has been moving along.  We had Devin's graduation party and she and Jim have gone for orientation for college.  We are trying to saver every moment - everything goes by so fast.  Devin gave me an Anniversary card on the fourth of July.  It had been 10 years since we meet at the fireworks at Kirby park.  It seems like yesterday. 

We are doing OK.  I don't want you to think that it is all bad here.  We do find the time to appreciate each other and everything around us. 

The light at the end is near.  Seven days to go - I hope! 

Treatment #5 is done

Well # 5 is down, only one more to go.  I thought that sounded good, but it really isn't all that great.  Today is Monday and I am still on the couch.  I thought that I would be feeling better by now, but I'm not. 

I saw a new Dr. before my treatment - my Dr. is out for 6 weeks medical leave - she sent me for 3 neupogen shots in a series.  That means that I had to go to the cancer center for 5 days in a row.  Wednesday for bloodwork, Thurday, Dr. and treatment and then Friday, Saturday and Sunday for shots.  That is way toooo many days in a row.  And they are not making me feel any better.  I really thought that they would help me feel better faster, but they are not.  I have so little energy this time around.  I am also taking steroids - they are supposed to help me, but they just seem to make me more emotional and I sure don't need any help there - I am pleany emotional on my own. 

I just feel like I want this to over so badly that the end is getting farther away each time I look for it.  The end is in sight, but I just can't get there.  I am so tired of being tired that I just can't explaine it.  I have been watching the Olympic Trials on TV this week and I am jealous on so many levels.  Everyone is so healthy and strong, doing what they want to do and moving on with their lives.  I am on the couch, unable to do what I want and am weaker than I have ever flet before.  Last summer I was running - this summer ... not so much. 

Devin's graduation party is this weekend and we are trying to get everthing ready ahead of time and I am not much help.  I want to, but I just don't have the energy.  It is just discourging.  I just want to be done.  I thought that I would be stronger.  That I was young and in good shape and I would march through this.  I don't feel strong any more - physically or mentally. 

I am counting down the days.  I know that it won't be long and then all I will have to do is heal.  I am sure that it will take longer than I want it to, but I know that I will heal and I will be strong again.  I know that those days are coming.  That I will be the same person I used to be.  I know that they are coming - I just am geting impatient for them. 

I am sitting outside typing today.  It has cooled off and the birds are cherping.  It is nice just siting and waiting for the bear to come by again.  I really am lucky - some days it is just hard to remember that. 

Treatment #5

Treatment number 5 today.....Guest Blogger Jim writing. Moving Forward. So, so slowly....the past three weeks have been better for Misho physically.....she has has several shots of neupogen to increase her white blood cell count. She wants to do a lot of things, to be normal again, but fatigue gets the best of her most days. Each day is one more day closer to being done, but the time seems to go by so slowly. The energy required to mentally prepare for another day, another appointment, another treatment can be exhausting. We have a window seat again! I know that may sound silly but the sun is bright, the sky is so blue and somehow that makes us feel "ok" inside. The cancer center is slower today, that is comforting also. It is difficult to see all of the patients in every phase of treatment.... Some seem scared, some are very old and frail and most painful are the ones who are so young. I cannot begin to tell you how wonderful the entire staff is here. The level of care is at its highest level, especially the concern for us. I really don't know how they do this each day. They are truly special. I cannot begin to thank them enough. Our treatment today is starting later, we had to see the doctor. She was very nice, filling in in for our regular MD. Misho was quite restless for the first two hours, she has been asleep for almost An hour now. Seems like as the treatments advance she gets more tired. She was upset today, just tired of the whole thing, wishing it could be over, wishing to be normal again. It's been so long since the heavy, heavy feeling of her cancer has let us just breath... Hopefully time will not burden us with worry, but perhaps time will give us peace, peace to feel relaxed again, and maybe even time to feel normal again, even if for only a moment....... Jim

Getting Tired of This

Hi everyone.  I really don't have much news.  We are just moving forward.  Only two more treatments.  I go for blood work every week now.  My white count and platelets have been really low lately.  That just means that I have to go for a neupogen shot.  It is not that bad, but they hurt.  It just makes it seem like this is just dragging on and on.  If I don't get pushed back anymore ( which there is no grantee) I will be done in a month.  I like the sound on that, but right now it seems very far away.  When you look at it - where I came from - a month should be nothing.  Really I have been through so much.  It has been four months so far.  I should have no trouble with just a month, but I am so tired of this.  It is getting harder each time, I don't bounce back like I did before.  I just really want to be done.  I am tired of the Cancer Center - I am just tired. 

Just an update

Hi everyone.  Just wanted to check in with you.  Things here are moving along with out much fan fare.  I had blood work on Wednesday.  It came back good - probably the best it has been in quite a while.  I think that it is the two shots of neupogen that I got last week.  They really hurt, but apparently they work. 

while we were in for my blood work at the cancer center, there were these young girls selling wrist bands - like the live strong ones - a different color for each kind of cancer.  My color is teal, in case you were wondering.  Jim bought a bunch of them and we each put one on.  It seems mindless and like a little bid of nothing to wear a wrist band.  It is supposed to say they you support someone or remind you of someone.  Jim said that his is just a little to small - that it pinches him and is a bother.  Mine, on the other hand, is to big.  It moves up and down and gets caught all the time.  It occurred to me that these bands are a lot like cancer.  They don't fit anyone.  They get in the way.  And all you want to do is take them off.  The difference is that I can't take mine off, it is in the way of my life and it sure doesn't fit. 

I took my band off, I wish I could take my cancer off - but I can't. 

Four down, Two to Go......

Well, here we go again! Treatment number 4 is about to begin. It's 6 days behind due to Misho's bloodwork being low. (Guest Blogger Jim is posting today) Thankfully the 6 day wait, a shot of nupegen and lots of rest did the trick. Her blood work is better this morning than it was last time so I am hoping that her post treatment days will be better than last time. ......She has her pre-meds hanging now and she is driftng off to sleep as I type.... She woke up this morning and was upset, she did'nt sleep well and her mind was going places it should'nt. It does that sometimes, seems to creep up and come out of nowhere. We asked for a window seat today, it's away from the nurse's station and bathed in sunlight, there is a fountain outside and lots of blooming plants. The cancer center is slow today, I'm thankful for that. Misho went to support group last night. She came home looking so much better. I am so proud of her for going. She knows how important it is not to keep things inside, how free it feels to speak them and then let them go. I think it must be so hard to keep things bottled up, to not think of or share your cares and concerns with someone. 10:03 am, chemo starting, she is awake watching "Ellen"......soon asleep......very tired today. 11:20 am, asleep again. 12:00 pm, restess, walked around. lunch and some friends visiting from work. 12:30 pm, asleep again. 1:00 pm, first 500cc bag is done. 1:45 pm, second med done. 2:00 pm, on our way home. 66.66% of her Chemo treatments are behind us now! 2:45 pm, asleep on the couch.......peacefully. It feels good to "turn the corner" with the treatments. It also feels like it will never end. It gets "old" after awhile.....bloodwork,appointments,chemo......etc.... etc... each day brings us closer to the end and that does feel good.... I have to say sometimes I can't believe this is happening to us.. and to me. Having gone thru this before, makes my journey now harder and I feel very scared at times. Today I also felt strong for me and especially for Misho. I felt that we are slowly getting thru this. It is a very difficult place to be, but having each other is comforting. Jim Misho said some of you are having difficulty posting comments. I used "Internet Explorer" to find Mish's Blog and did not any problem commenting. We really like when you comment, it makes us feel more connected and understood. Thanks, Jim

Hi, I know it has been a While

Sorry that it has been so long.  We have had a lot going on around here lately.  Devin Graduated from High School this week.  That has been fun, but also a bit stressful.  We had company and did a few meals here at the house.  I was not all that much help, but I tried. 

Jim and I went to the beach last weekend.  It was supposed to be a relaxing getaway, some fun for the two of us - so that we could forget - we could not.  I know that it was because we did so much on Friday - driving, shopping, eating out - but Saturday I was without energy - completely.  I really couldn't do anything.  We tried to walk on the beach and I had to take a break - we didn't walk that far - I was so tired.  I felt the worst I have felt during this whole thing.  I didn't like it at all.  I just wanted to have fun and I was tired.  We came home on Monday - it took seven hours - it usually takes four. 

Tuesday was Baccalaureate for Devin's Graduation.  Her Aunt and Uncle had come to visit and see Devin graduate.  We had a nice dinner here and then went to the service.  There were 700 people there.  I tried, but I was really tired.  I hate that. 

I went to the Dr. on Wednesday.  Blood work and then an appointment with doctor.  Yet again I was unprepared for what was to come.  I knew that I had not been feeling as well as I should, but I thought that I would just try my blood work again on Monday.  My counts were much lower then they had ever been - they were in the toilet!  I should probably not have gone to Baccalaureate - or at least should have worn a mask.  Now I need a shot of Neupogen - to boost my bone marrow - that hurt!  There is nothing to do about the platelets.  They just have to have time.  They need to be 100 - mine were 49 - a long way to go.  Next is a whirl of new appointments - my Dr is going on leave for six weeks  - so now I have to see someone else next time.  I was again overwhelmed.  Everything that I had planed on over the next few weeks is all up in the air now. 

Graduation was Wednesday night.  We had sandwiches here at the house.  I tried - but I was tired and  overwhelmed on lots of levels.  I just didn't know which way to turn.  Oh, by the way, Jim's Mom fell and went to the hospital on Tuesday at six in the morning, just to add to the fun.  She is OK, but still one more thing on our plate this week.

I am so tired - physically and mentally.  I have no energy - I want to do stuff, but there is just not enough  energy to be had.  I am so tired of this whole thing.  I know that I am half way, but it doesn't feel like it - it feels like forever.  It feels like it will never end. I want to feel good again - like my self again - it feels like that will never happen.  I know that there are people who have it way worse than I do.  I try to remember that, but it is hard.  This whole thing is hard. 

Three Down Three to Go

Well I'm half way.  It doesn't feel like it.  It feels like I still have a long way. 

This time was hard because when I went to the Dr. before my treatment, my platelets and white cells were down.  I had thought that I had come back so well from my second treatment.  I felt so good.  I was shocked.  They talked about pushing me back by a few days.  I know that doesn't sound like much, but I was holding on to July 12th pretty hard.  I want to be done!  If they push it back - when will the end be?  It will be unknown and we all know how much I like the unknown! 

I am not coming back as well this time either.  I'm more tired and not much energy.  I am not sleeping very well either.  I did OK on Saturday, got around and did some laundry and helped cook, but I paid for it on Sunday.  I really didn't get off the couch much at all.  It is so hard to go up and down like that.  I want to go up and never down, but I know that I can't do that - but I want to.  Monday and Tuesday were just OK.  Did a little and then rested.  Had trouble pooping too.  I know that it is not nice to talk about, but there it is - Chemo makes you constipated!  I didn't poop for four days!  I pooped this morning so I am feeling better, but really four days- Yuck! 

I am tired of this whole thing.  I want it to be over.  I know that it isn't, but I really want it to be.  Devin's Graduation is coming up and there is so much going on and I want to be normal - like nothing is wrong.  I know that my bald head is kind of hard to miss, but I wish that I could just blend in - but I can't.  I have Dr. appointments right before  graduation and treatment right after.  It just seems like a lot and I am tired of it.  I just want to be well again - strong again - normal again - but I'm not. 

Half Way!

Hello! I am happy to report that my Guest Blogger status has been renewed!!! Yes it is Jim again bringing you up to date on Misho's 3rd chemo treatmeant......!  Actually, we were not sure if it would happen today.....Let me explain........

Misho's platelets and white blood cell count were low on Monday.  This is normal but psychologically it made for an unsettled week.  We have it set in our hearts that all will go as scheduled, so when our plans get changed it takes a lot of energy to be patient. More energy than any of you realize, because we want this to be done.

Last night was rough, not much sleep for both of us and when it came it was unsettled sleep....I woke up at 5:30 am....thinking as I rolled over that all I had to do was get up and go to work.(I wish that is all I had to worry about)!...then the heavy weight of another Chemo treatment and all that it involves crept into my mind.............Wow, really? another one.... This is not what I want to do.......Can I please just go to work and forget what is going on....Can I please just go back to my "Bubble" and only think of Me.....NO!    You can't, you have to be there for her..........., OK  I'm getting up now.....................! and I was SAD.....Sad that the weight of worry, treatments and the unknown were slapping us in the face again......


Some of you who read this blog have gone through similar trials, some of you have gone through even more difficult events in your life that lead you to a place of connection with us.      Those of you who can completely connect know that it is so very, very difficult to have to watch the love of your life go through with the reality of Cancer and the: treatments, fears, worries, and above all the unknown possibility of what may be................


I got up and laid on the couch with the dog, watched TV and fell asleep for 20 minutes....it felt so good!

I got Misho up at 6:30am, made us breakfast, packed our bag---books,phones,I Pad, Misho's stuffed animal (Ralph the kitty) and of course her hand stiched chemo blanket.....

She put the Emla cream on her Port to numb the site for the "stick" and we left the house at 7:30 am.

We pulled in and Valet parked at 7:45 am, signed in and went to have her Port-a Cath accessed.
The needle is huge! The "stick" ( I hold her hand tight, and squeeze it hard when the needle goes in) didn't work at first, we both looked at each other----Oh Boy!! What Now?..... then there was a blood return... (YEA! the Port still works!) The nurse pulled two vials of blood and now we had to wait to see if her platelets and white count would allow us to have a treatment today.  We waited for two hours......!

We waited until 9:40 am. The feelings of uncertainty and the sad, blank, scared faces in the waiting room are very hard to take sometimes.  Let me temper that with the wonderful care and concern that is given by the staff at the hospital, they make you feel welcome and above all else----understood.....!

Good News!! Her platelets were 101,000.
The cutoff is 100,000......Here we go........!!!!!

We got to pick our chair today, it is close to the bathroom and away from the nurses station so hopefully it will be more quite, ( turned out it was louder and busy but we are ok with that)

9:50 Benadryl and Pepsid, 10:10 Pre med IV, and finally at 10:45----the chemo......

She is very restless this time, her legs are twitching and she just can't find the right spot to sit, some Ativan and four trips to the bathroom later, she is sleeping in her chair.....it's Noon.

Up at 12:30 eating a sandwich, much calmer now.

2:00 pm- the first 500cc IV is almost done.  She has been more peaceful for the last hour or so, drifting in and out of sleep.

2:15 pm- the second IV starts and runs for only 30 minutes.....thankfully we are almost done.

2:50 pm-the port needle is flushed and pulled out (not too painful) .

3:05 pm- In the truck on our way home.   50% DONE  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to tell you how proud I am of Misho. She is so strong, even though she would disagree.  I have seeen her become more aware of each moment as it comes ( it is still a struggle sometimes). I have also seen her grow in her appreciation of all that life is. That is really a beautiful place to be, a place alot of us never get to.  Blogging has given her a place to be open and honest with her feelings.  She joined a support group this week,  when she came home it was as if the fear and uncertainty melted off of her.  I know that being in the company of others that have gone through similar life moments is very healing.  Being with people that understand is so very comforting.

Each day holds victory for us, each day is also difficult for many reasons. 

Thankfully we have all of you:  thinking, reading and praying for us.......Jim

I can Exhale

These last few days have been hard on me.  I have been uncomfortable and sad.  I was so afraid that something was wrong, that the cancer was coming back.  I know in my head that everything was OK, but the fear creeps in sometimes - like little mice running across the floor.  I try to plug up all the holes that let them in, but they always find their way.  I know that women die from this cancer and I was just afraid. 

I went to the Dr. yesterday and was so disappointed.  My blood work came back and my platelets and white counts were low.  I did so well last time - everything came right back after my treatment.  I recovered so quickly and felt so good.  I was so surprised when they came back low.  So disappointed - like I had failed.  I know in my head that I didn't - but it still feels like I did.  If they don't come up by Thursday - no chemo until Monday.  I know that it doesn't sound that bad, but that will push everything back.  July 12th won't be the last. She also sent a ca125 - cancer marker - and a UA to make sure that my discomfort wasn't anything. 

I went to support group last night.  It was good.  I realized that I am lucky.  There were so many in a worse place than I.  It felt good to tell my story to people who really understood everything - they were in the midst of it too.  I hope that I am as strong as they are. 

The Dr.'s office called today.  I was so scared.  I didn't think that I would hear from them until Wednesday.  First she told me that my UA was good.  Then she asked if I had some time.  I sure didn't like the sound of that.  Then she told me that my ca125 was NORMAL.  Wow.  I couldn't believe it.  I felt like I could exhale for the first time in a week.  I think that I believe for the first time that the cancer is really gone.  I know that they told me that I was "optimally debulked", but now I think that I believe it. 

Here we go again

Chemo number three is on its way this week.  Thursday will make it half way.  I am happy about that, but it still means that there are three more to go.  July still seems so far away.

I have been doing really well this past week.  My hair is all gone and I am fine with that.  I can go out with out a problem.  I get some looks, but most people have been really nice, maybe nicer than they would have otherwise been. 

I did do one thing that I should not have done.  I went looking on line for an advocacy group for ovarian cancer.  There aren't many.  I found one in Philadelphia, but that is the closest one.  That upset me.  This is such a horrible disease that effects so many woman.  You hardly ever hear about it on the news or in the media.  Then I started reading about it at the national Ovarian Cancer Coalition.  It is so scary.  There are so many woman dieing from this.  It is so frustrating.  I feel so helpless and sad.  There is no test for it, there is no real symptoms and there is nothing to do to prevent it.  I feel like it is a crap shoot and I lost.  I still don't understand how this whole thing happened. I am so sad.

Devin went to Prom this weekend.  She was so beautiful and grown up.  Life goes on and I am still learning to dance in the rain, some times it is hard. 

It's All Gone!

It is finally over.  I shaved my head.  I am now bald! and it's not that bad.

I had been worrying about this since the beginning.  The Dr. told me that I would loose everything.  I couldn't imagine how I would look with out hair.  I knew that I would look sick and that people would stare.  I hated the thought of that.  I spent so much energy on it.  There was hair everywhere, on the couch, in my clothes and all over the bathroom.  I was so tired of it.  I cried every time I got in the shower - seeing all the hair in my hands, wonder how much would be left on my head when I was done.  It was so "heavy" caring all that fear around. 

Shaving it was really hard - seeing the clippers and watching what hair I had fall on the floor.  Very traumatic.  But once it was done - it was so liberating.  No more fear or worrying.  It felt so light - physically and emotionally.  I cleaned up all the hair from all over the house.  It is over.  It feels good. 

I know that people look at me, but I don't care.  This is me now.  I don't like wearing hats and scarves, they make my head itch.  I thought that I would be cold, but I'm not.  It feels better just being bald.  I went to a shower on Sunday and I took my hat off and was just bald.  No big deal.  Some people looked at me funny, but I can handle it better than I thought. 

For once I can say that I am stronger than I thought. 

Dancing in the Rain

Shortly after my surgery, I was at the grocery store and saw a card.  It said "Life is not waiting for the storms to pass, It's about learning to Dance in the Rain"  or something like that.  I want to Dance in the Rain! 

I am thinking today about how lucky I am.  Cancer is bad, don't get me wrong, but I am finding the lucky in it.  I am lucky that I had symptoms, what would it be like if I didn't - I can't even imagine.  I am lucky that I am stage one.  There are not enough stage ones out there, women don't find out nearly soon enough.  I am lucky. 

I am lucky that I have great insurance.  How much harder would it be if we couldn't pay for all of these meds and treatments.  I have never been to the doctors or had so many prescriptions in my entire life.  It can be very daunting, but I am lucky. 

I am not alone - there are so many people that are alone in this fight.  I have so many people here for me - my beautiful husband.  I couldn't do this without him, even though this is so beyond hard for him, I need him so much and I appreciate him so much.  I have my parents.  This is killing them inside, but they are here with me every step of the way- with out fail.  I have so many people praying for me - sending me cards - just being there for me.  I have found so much kindness in the world that I really didn't think existed.  I am so lucky. 

I want to live my life.  I don't want to waist the gifts that God has given me.  He is the one that made me so lucky.  I want to live my life like it was meant to be. 

I want to Dance in the Rain!!

Hanging in There

I am starting to feel better - a lot faster this time I think.  I did laundry and the dishes today.  That is something for me.  I am tired of being tired though.  It is hard to feel so good last week and then everything over the weekend was so hard.  I slept though the treatment on Thursday and then for the evening.  Friday was OK - not much nausea which was nice.  The Dr. changed my premeds around and I think that really helped.  The weekend I didn't really get off the couch much.  I tried to fold laundry and it just made me exhausted.  Monday night I got sick again - like last time.  I think that after that I start to feel better.  I just want to feel normal again.  August seems so far away. 

My hair is falling out a lot now.  I don't know what to do with it.  should I just shave it off or try to keep it as along as I can.  I have a bridal shower to go to on Sunday.  I don't want to be bald, but at this rate - I think that I will be.  I just want to look OK, you know.  I have to make sure that I have a hat to match what ever I am going to wear.  I just think that I look so bad these days - I'm cut up like a Christmas turkey, my hair is gray and falling out.  It does something to your self esteem.  I know that it is going to be OK and that it will grow back and that I will look good again, but it seems like a long way off.  I don't think that I will have hair again until Thanksgiving. 

I am going for reflexology at a Cancer Resource center tomorrow.  I am looking forward to it.  I am hoping that it lifts my spirits a little.  I have been having neuropathy in my hands and feet this time.  Maybe this will help that.  It makes it hard to sleep when  the soles of your feet ache. 

I am doing OK.  Better than I thought I would be now.  I just want this to be over.  That's all. 

Two Down

Two down and four more to go.  that sounds like a lot to me.  feeling better this time around.  I didn't have to take all the steroids before.  I think that made it better.  Still hard to focus.  I'm tired and feel like I have the flu bad. 

My hair is really falling out now.  There is hair everywhere.  It just falls out on it's own, with out me touching it.  I think that I have about a quarter of the hair I used to have.  I have hats and scarves ready to go, but I hate to think about using them. 

I will post again when I am feeling better.

Jim's Story

Well, I guess it't time for me to blog about how I am doing and about how this ordeal is affecting me. I checked with Misho and she granted me "guest blogger status"!       I've watched Misho blog, read her posts and thankfully seen what a positive impact it has been for her.  I can truly appreciate the healing power of writing down your thoughts and feelings. When my first wife died of breast cancer in 1998, I found it very healing to be able to "tell" the pages of paper how I felt.  The paper and pen accepted what I wrote, they did not judge me or give me advice.  In some way, they offered me a place to go and be myself, a place to "put down" what I was going through, a place to be completly understood.

Yesterday, Misho blogged about her "bubble", that place we all have, a place where each and everyone of us thinks we are kept safe,.......where we..."think"....we are safe............

Looking back to 1998 is still hard for me, Sue was very sick before Easter and died the Friday night after Easter Sunday.  It's odd that the smell of Easter flowers and chocolate bunnies makes me sad.....but they do....they always will......

Back then I was living in a large "bubble", not fully appreciating what my life really meant.  Sue's illness and passing were such a shock to me in so many ways.  She was diagnosed in June of 1997 and died the following April. She was 37 years old and I was 34.  Our precious daughter Devin....was 4 and 1/2.
Telling Devin that Mommy was gone is and was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  It makes me cry still.  Like it's doing right now..............

My bubble was gone, broken into so many pieces that the helplessness and hopelessness were beyond comprehension. As the years passed I felt that losing my spouse put me in this weird kind of "club" , a club that only people who lost a spouse to cancer could join, a club, as I found out thru the years, that accepts one another for what has happened to it's members, who know how your feeling when you just look into their eyes, a club where it is ok to cry, ok to be sad. Most of all each and everyone of us completely understand the pain and all that goes with it.

Thankfully,  several years later, I met Misho........I still remember the very first time I saw her...I remember her smile, and her beautiful eyes that looked at me with care and understanding as we spoke at length that night.  I also remember that night, as I drove home that deep down I knew I could very easily fall in love with her.

Fast Forward:.....dating, engagement, wedding, new house, new truck, and for Devin-grade school, middle school, high school and soon.....graduation...
A whole new, big gigantic BUBBLE.   A bubble so large you could do anything and not feel as if the world and our lives together were in any danger of changing.  We lived without concern for any ill or issue that came our way, we lived freely, in some ways, carefree........that is until Valentines Day - 2012.

Misho has some moderate pain on the Friday before, Monday, family doctor, Tuesday Gynocologist......."well it has to come out surgically, preferably by an Oncology Gynocologist"...........A WHAT?......."an Oncology Gynocologist....just in case".....IN CASE OF WHAT??......"in case its malignant"..." and let's pull a CA(cancer antigen)125".......WHY???....."just in case".......OH MY GOD!!!

We just stared at each other in the exam room.......Our bubble had just broken open.......
And my own happy, quiet, safe place suddenly became numb and sick to it's stomach. I felt open and vunerable, I felt scared, I felt just like I did 15 years ago.  I don't even think I had enough tears to cry, they were scared too.

It was anything but a Happy Valentine's day.  The results of the CA 125 would come on Wednesday.  I was home alone when Misho called.......the tone of her voice made me feel sick, when the words started to come through the phone I got weak, I slid off the couch onto the floor and began to scream, NO, NO, NO, NO.......I was screaming so loud I didnt even hang up the phone.  I yelled and screamed so loud that I thought my neighbors would come running over.  I looked out the window and yelled, I laid on the floor and cried, I cried until Misho came home,  she picked me up off the floor, we just held each other tight and cried...........................................................................................Our bubble was gone....................

Here We go Again

Chemo week is here again. I am feeling way better about it this time - I know what to expect.   I am just starting to feel good - like normal.  So now I have to buck up for treatment on Thursday.  I am putting on the Armor of God - going into battle - so that I feel that I can fight as I go into that terrible place.  Another verse I try to keep close is "I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until this disaster has passed."  Psalm 57:1.  I am going to hide in His wings to get through this week - and this whole thing.  I told my mom yesterday when she took me to my four appointments that I don't ever want her to take me for treatments.  It is too hard - to much for her - I want to protect her from all that sadness. 

My appointments yesterday went pretty well. The waiting room was crowded.  There was this one girl - a little younger than I - watching me as I came in and got my blood work.  She had already lost her hair and I think she was waiting to go in for her chemo to start.  I'm sure I know what she was thinking - Wow, someone young like me - Why does she still have her hair - she doesn't look that sick . . .   I know that she hates the waiting room as much as I do - her bubble is gone too. 

We are girls with broken bubbles.  When cancer comes into your life, the bubble that protects you from the world - that keeps you from all the pain and sorrow - that makes you think that nothing bad is ever going to happen to you - shatters into a million pieces, thrown out into the world - every one representing a part of your old life.  There are so many pieces.  You try to stick them back together - to rebuild your bubble - cutting yourself - feeling all the pain that the bubble used to protect you from.  You try to pretend that it didn't break - that you are fine - that you really don't have cancer - it is all just a bad dream.  You try and try and try . . . but your life will never be the same.

I still have my hair - it is thinning out, but at least you still can't tell.  Not looking forward to tomorrow, but I think that I am more prepared this time - less tears. 

My Hair is Falling Out

Well what I have been dreading is here.  My hair is falling out.  Not all at once like I though, but still.  I thought that I would wake up and there would be clumps on the pillow or when I washed it there would  be lots of hair in the drain.  That hasn't happened.  Every time I touch my head - a few hairs come out in my hand and my scalp feels funny. I'm not sure which is worse - it coming out all at once or the waiting.  I keep looking at myself in the mirror wondering what I am going look like.  I am sure that I am going to look sick - like a cancer patient.  That is something that I have been trying to avoid - then I won't be able to pretend anymore.  It will be slapping me in the face every time I see myself.  I was so afraid to wash it last night.  I cried just getting into the shower.  This part is harder than I thougt it would be. It is just hair - it will grow back.  I thought I could handle it - that I was strong.  I am not that strong. 

Today I went to Candy's Place.  It is a cancer wellness center.  They gave me a tour and showed me what they had to offer me and my family.  I just kept thinking that I don't belong here - I'm not "in treatment".  It's not like the waiting rooms that I hate so much - it is a lovely place with so much love and kindness emitting from it.  They just kept telling me how much they could help me feel better - I believe them, but I just can't help but cry.  I just don't want to have cancer - I don't want to do this any more.  I just don't want to.  But again, I have no choice. 

I don't think that I have really accepted the fact that I am a cancer patient - I am in treatment - I do belong.  I want to pretend that it isn't true.  Maybe by the time I am done with whole thing I will have accepted it, but I don't think so.

I am doing well.  I don't want everyone to think that I don't have good times.  I am able to be out and about.  Having dinner with my friends from work - cooking with Jim - feeling like myself.  I am going to be OK, I know that.  It is just going to be a rough road. 

Happy Easter

Happy Easter!

It is nice to say it and mean it.  The last few days have been so good that I can say it whole heartily.  Easter holds a whole new meaning for me now.  I have always believed in Easter and all that it holds for me, but I had never had to hold on to it before.  I had never faced death head on before.  Pastor Doug said that God doesn't promise us one more breath, He promises us eternity.   "Because He lives I can face tomorrow"  Things for me to keep. 

Through out this process, I have learned a lot.  We lived in a bubble.  I thought that nothing bad was ever going to happen to us - that we were protected some how.  This whole thing burst that bubble in a big way.  It let the whole world into our lives.   A world of life and death -  a world of love and support - a world of pain and tears - a world of kindness and caring.  A world that I did not expect to find. 

I have also been surprised by what it is like to have cancer.  It is not just the Cancer - it's the emotions.  I knew that the Chemo was going to be bad - that the physical part of this would be so hard.  I am stubborn - I can handle it.  As long as I know what to expect - I can face it head on - but I am not always so sure how to handle the feelings.  I know now that after my treatment there will be a time that I feel like myself - that there will be an end to how I am feeling physically - there is no break from the emotions.  There is always another hurdle coming my way.  

The next hurdle is my hair.  Now is the time frame they gave me for my hair to fall out.  I keep pulling on it, waiting for it to come out in my hand.  I don't think that being bald is going to be that bad, but the process is the hard part.  Shortly after my surgery I cut my hair short - a step towards going bald.  I though that I would get used to the short hair and then there would be less hair for me to see when it falls out, but every time I looked in the mirror all I saw was me being sick.  Now I don't mind so much.  I am hoping that I will feel that way after it all comes out.  I am so afraid to look at myself in the mirror for the first time.  I think that it will break my heart.  I am feeling so well now that I can pretend that I'm OK.  Once it is gone, there is no more pretending.  (I am holding out a small amount of hope that it will  just thin out - I have a lot of hair so I could loose a lot without noticing.  I know that it will fall out, but I can hope) 

I am also afraid of the way that people will look at me.  Now I can go to the store and walk around and no one knows that I am going through this.  Once I am wearing a head scarf, everyone will know - there will be no question.  People will watch as I walk by and think "that poor woman has Cancer"  I know - Ive done it. People will treat me differently.  I'm not sure how to handle it.  I think that it will make me sad. 

I am feeling well and enjoying my time without appointments.  They will be here before I know it. 

On the Way Up

The last few days have been good, not great, but good.  I am pleasantly surprised as how well I am feeling.  I do run out of energy rather quickly, but at least I have some energy to run out of. 

On Wednesday I went to see the Stations of the Cross in the morning with my Mom and then we went Easter shopping.  I got up early, got dressed, ate and was out of the house by 9:00. That is quite something for me.  I was tired by lunch, but I was happy that I was starting to feel a little like my self again. 

Thursday was even a little better.  Devin and I went shopping for her Prom shoes.  It was nice.  I don't want to miss anything because I'm sick.  I want to keep living my life and this was a big part of that.  We got pizza for dinner and sat on the floor and ate it like we used to.  Jim went golfing and out for a while with a friend.  He needs to be normal again too.  It was really nice for him. 

Today is nice too.  We went to the Bird Feed store, I like it there, there is so much life there.  I am seeing more life in my days,  I know that I will go back down again when my next treatment comes, but it is nice to know that there will some life to my life in between. 

This weekend is Easter.  I am seeing it in a whole new light and I am looking forward to it. 

Dealing with It

Yesterday was better.  For most of it anyway.  The mornings are hard.  It takes me a while to get going, but once I do, it is usually OK.  By about 7:00 in the evenings, it starts down hill again.  I was so sick last night.  It took a while for the meds to make me feel better, a long time. 

It is not only the sick that makes me so sad, it is the back sliding.  Before the chemo started I was starting to feel like myself again.  I could get off the couch without thinking, I could go up the steps and not be exhausted, I could feel normal.  Now I am back to where I was right after the surgery.  The steps are so long again, especially the last few.  I have to think about standing up, make sure that I am upright and stable before I start to walk.  I hate that.  It is discouraging and sad. 

This morning I was still sick and so tired. 

I had appointments in the afternoon.  I wasn't sure that I would make it, but I did.  First the blood work then to the oncology PA.  I think that the worst part of the appointments is the waiting room.  I know that I have said it before, but it really is the part that makes me cry every time.   The blood draw wasn't bad, the PA was very nice, but sitting there breaks my heart every time.  There is such sadness, such sickness, such hope, such weariness there ... I just can't believe that this is my life now.  I don't know how this happened.  The sadness, sickness, hope, weariness - they are all mine. 

I am done with appointments for almost two weeks.  That is the longest time without an appointment ... since this whole thing started. 

The Chemo Effects

Well I've had my chemo and now I am feeling it's effects and I don't like it.  When I came home the first time, I slept.  Friday I felt weird, but OK.  I could manage it.  Saturday and Sunday not so much.

Saturday was bad.  I can't even explain how it feels.  Like there is something bad coursing through my veins.  I felt tired and sick and jittery and sore and like I have the flu.  But like no other flu you've ever had before. The nausea comes and goes and comes again.  The ache parts are there most of the time. The ativan helps some for the jitters and lets me relax a little.  I still can't poop.  I know that you don't want to know, but I can't.  I look forward to it though.  I ate a little bit at a time, but I was never quite sure if I should or not. 

Saturday night was even worse.  The nausea was bad, even after the meds.  I just couldn't go down to sleep.  The ativan is the only thing that helped.  That didn't even last, I had to take more in the middle of the night. 

All I can say is that I don't like it at all. 

Sunday is better.  Still so tired that I can't do much of anything.  I can focus a little better today.  Be able to read and watch TV.  Not so much nausea today.  I'm able to eat a little here and there, some soup and crackers and the like.  I feel like I am on the way up at least.  I will just have to manage the symptoms now. 

One down five more to go!

Chemo is Here

Well the time has come.  Yesterday was my first Chemo. 

Wednesday was a little rough.  We went to see Pastor Doug, just to get everything out and go into Chemo in the right frame of mind.  It helped, but I was exhausted after.  The entire night was so scary for me.  I had been trying to look only one day at a time and now there was nothing else to look at, but this super scary thing. I was so tired and so much of everything, I didn't know which way to turn.  I cried a lot.

I had to take steroids 12 hours and 6 hours before.  That meant getting up at three in the morning and eating and taking pills, like I wasn't having enough trouble sleeping.  The appointment was for 8:45.  We got there on time.  I went right back for them to access my port.  That went well.  It hurt, but not all that bad.  I  didn't have to wait long.  Everyone I meet was very kind. They gave me a tour of the place and showed me my cubbie.  They started with premeds which included more steroids.  Then the Chemo started.  I have to say it was not all that bad.  I expected to feel worse during the whole thing.  I did feel like my center of gravity was a little off.  I was like a drunken sailor and I didn't feel like I could focus to read or anything. I didn't like that - they said that it was normal, but I still didn't like it.  My peeps from work stopped by and chatted, that was nice.  I did feel jittery from all the steroids.  That was the worst part for the day.  They gave me ativan for it and I felt better and slept some.  I was done at 3:00.  I was happy with that. 

We came home and I was exhausted.  All the meds and emotions - all I could do was sleep.  I ate a little and then I went to bed and slept all night. 

Today I feel better than expected.  I am up and around and eating a little.  I just feel like I don't have a lot of energy.  I went for a little walk and that made me tired.  I slept and rested most of the day.  All in all, I think that I am doing OK.  They said that tomorrow will be worse. 
We will see what tomorrow brings. 

Three Appointments

Yesterday was quite the day!  Three Appointments, one after another. 

Mom and Dad came to take me to the first and then Jim came for the second and the third.  I thought that I was prepared for these, again I was not.  I am beginning the think that I can never be prepared for any appointment.

The first one was just for blood work.  I've had plenty of blood draws before.  This should be the easiest of them all.  I had always gone to the main hospital for that.  This time they said to just go to the one in the Cancer Center.  It would be closer to my other appointments. 

I am again faced with the Cancer Center.  YUCK.  I check in and sit in the waiting room.  This is a different one from the Dr.s office.  This is the one where you wait to get your blood work and your Chemo.  I thought the other one was bad -  This one was a whole different level.  There were people in wheelchairs, with their hats and wigs, looking way sicker than upstairs at the Dr.s.  I feel so small.  I don't want to.  I don't want to do any of this.  I'm sure that I am not like these people. 

They call me back.  They asked if I wanted the draw from my port or my arm.  How do I know?  I've never had my port accessed before.  I didn't know what to say or what to do.  They sit me in a chair in the back to wait for the port nurse.  I start to look around.  I'm in the Chemo room.  It is so big.  there are so many people getting treatments.  so many nurses moving around.  this is my future.  this is my reality.  this is who I am now.  for the first time it is real.  not some abstract thing.  My heart is breaking.  I feel so  . . .    The nurse calls me in.  She is so kind.  I sit in the recliner as she goes through my chart.  I just can't take it . . I start to cry.  I don't want to.  I want to be strong, but I just can't.

The nurse and I decide to try the port so that we know that it will work on Thursday.    It is not that bad.  It hurts, but I can handle it.  She tries and tries to get my blood draw, but she can't.  It will flush, but not return.  All of this for nothing.  Now I have to have another stick, which was fine.  This all took a long time.  Now I'm late for my next appointment. 

I pick up Mom, Dad and Jim in the waiting room and go upstairs to see the oncology PA.  We go into the education room and they start a video.  It must be twenty years old.  It goes through what to expect.  I am still so overwhelmed that I cry for the beginning.  Oh, and by the way, there is nothing like watching a video about chemo and sexuality with your husband AND your parents!  That made me laugh inside a little.  After the video the PA comes in.  She is flustered and unorganized.  She reads me the side effects of a drug that I am not getting.  I am tired and frustrated and she is not helping.  Once she gets the right drug paper, she reads all the things that could go wrong and all the things that could happen to me.  I am so sad.  I sign consent.  I need to get out of here.  I should have taken an ativan before I came today. 

Next is the surgeon.  I'm late for this appt. too.  I go right back.  The nurse is so nice and relaxed.  The Dr. comes in and examines me.  He answers all of our questions and tells me that I am healing well.  This was the appointment I was dreading the most, but it was the best one, the most positive. 

I feel better now - they are over.  I can go home now and rest. 

Here Comes the Week

NO MORE LOVENOX SHOTS!!!!  This morning was my last one.  I took the box and tore it up.  That felt good. 

This weekend was good and bad for me.  Friday was fun.  I went to lunch with a friend and then to dinner with my peeps from work.  It felt so good - so normal.  Chatting and talking about things other than me and my Cancer.  There was so much positive energy and I felt so much like myself again.  I so needed to feel that way.

Saturday I paid for it.  I was so tired.  Physically and emotionally.  It takes so much of my energy to hold everything together when I am out, so when I am home all the emotion comes out.  Mom and
Dad came over in the afternoon and helped clean up the house and go out to dinner.  It is nice that I don't have to worry about that.  But that has more emotions.  Mom brought over a notebook that my Grandmother wrote.  Just quotes and thoughts she liked.  Saturday was not the day for me to read it.  Just couldn't deal with that.  So Tired.

I Woke up crying on Sunday.  Just so much to face this week.  It is starting to rise up in front of me.  I just don't want to do it!  I ordered head scarves.  I thought that I was prepared for that.  I had looked at them and thought about which ones I might like.  That is different than actually purchasing.  The knowledge that I am actually going to need them.  That my hair is really going to fall out.  I knew it, but now it is real.  It broke my heart.  I wish that I was stronger and that it didn't bother me.  I really don't think that being bald is going to be that bad, it is what it represents to me that hurts.  Sometimes I'm just not that strong. 

Jim is not that strong all the time either.  He needs to fall apart sometimes too.  Sunday night was that for him.  We are both angry and sad and overwhelmed and we have to get it out.  There were a lot of tears on Sunday night.  This week is rising up in front of him also.  It is different for him, but the same.  I wish I knew how he was feeling all the time and I wish he understood how I was feeling all the time.  I know that it is not possible, but I wish it was. 

Today is going to be a lot.  three appointments.  Looming....

A Few Good Days

The last few days have been good. I am starting to feel more like myself. I wasn't sure I would ever feel good again.

Wednesday Jim and I went out to do some errands.  Just to get out of the house.  I thought he had something up his sleeve.  I always know.  We went and got a bird feeder so that I could watch the birds this summer, went to the bank and the dentist.  Then he started to head into town.  "Why are we going this way?"  He said to never mind.  He took me to the mall - we never go to the mall.  Then to Radio Shack.  I don't need anything there.  We went in and He bought me an iPad!  The new one!  I never thought about getting one, but I love it.  He wanted to do something nice for me - to surprise me.  I love him for that.  He was so Happy that he pulled one over on me.  That never happens.  I had so much fun with it, it made me smile.  It was nice to smile. 

Yesterday I went for a walk all by myself. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I got dressed myself,  put my shoes on myself, tied them myself and walked myself.  It felt so good to feel the warm air and the sun shine on my face.  It made me feel like I was on my own.  It was the first time I was doing something completely alone in four or five weeks.  That is a long time for someone like me!  I even helped make dinner.  That is something I haven't done either.  I haven't been able to do  clean, do dishes, do laundry or anything.  That was kind of nice - The only good thing that I can think of that came out of this whole thing.  That and I now have nice fingernails. 

We are almost done with the lovenox shots too.  I have been watching the pile of 30 syringes go down ever since I got home.  Every morning Jim would give me a shot in my belly and I would cross one off in my head.  I know that it was so hard for him to get me up at six in the morning hurt me with a shot.  Now there are only three left. It will be BIG when that is over. 

I am glad that I am getting stronger before I start the Chemo.  I feel like it is not quite so big today. 

Oncologist

OK.  Fast forward to now.  I'll get back to the two weeks between the appointment with the surgeon and this appointment with the Oncologist.  There is just so much about this appointment that I need to get out.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my Oncologist.  I thought that this was going to be a meet and greet.  A "hi how are you,  I'll be your oncologist." type of appointment.  It was not. 

I again find myself outside the Cancer Center.  I'm sure this is wrong.  Today it seems bigger,  I really don't want to go in.  Not because of the appointment, because of what this whole thing represents to me. 

We go in and wait.  It was a long wait this time.  I hate sitting in the waiting room with my ID wrist band on.  I know that people are looking at me - seeing the port scar on my chest - wondering "what kind of cancer does she have? Why does she still have her hair?"   I'm doing the same thing.  Looking at these people with their wrist bands, no hair, wondering . . .

We went back, the Dr. came in.  She seems nice.  Asking me all kinds of questions.  Then It hit me like... I can't even say what the feeling was like.  "We'll start Chemo on the 29th."  That is nine days away!  9 days!  I knew that it was coming.  I've known from the beginning that this day would come, but when the words came out and it was so close.... I just didn't know how to feel.  There are so many things that I have to do first.  So many appointments. I need a CAT scan before Chemo starts.  I need to get Chemo teaching.  I need to get blood work.   I need to see a Geneticist.  I need to see the surgeon so that He can sign off on all of this.  The words and the appts and the questions keep swirling around my head.  I can't catch them. I need to put them into order, get control.  Breath.  I seem to forget to do that a lot.  I need to get out of here.  I need to cry.  I don't want to cry here, I want to be strong.  This is what we wanted.  To move forward.  To start so that I can be done.  Now it all is a reality.  I want to run out of there and run and run and run. ... . .

Monday is Blood work, Chemo teaching and Surgeon
Tuesday is the Cat scan
Thursday is Chemo

I have appointments set up all the way out to August!

I need to do one day.  Finish it.  Then think about the next day.  I can't take in any more than that at one time.  It is just to much..

We leave, go to the store and them home.  I am so tired now.  It is as heavy as it has ever been.  I am so tired of caring this around.  I want to drop it and run.  Run far.  Run fast.  But I can't.  I have to stay here.  I have to be strong.  I have to Fight. 

Tonight I can't fight.  All I can do is cry.  Cry for what I've lost.  Cry for what is to come.  Cry because I'm so tired.  Chemo has always been in the future.  Now it is here.  Right in front of me. Looming. 

Dr. Appointment

Today is the Dr. appointment.  I am not sure how I feel about it. I want to go, but not so much.  I feel pretty good in the morning.  Nothing is going to change with any news that he gives me.  I mean how much worse could it be?  At least that is what I am telling myself. 

We went to the Cancer Center at the Hospital.  The Cancer Center.  I don't belong here.  I sit down in the waiting room.  There are sick people here.  People with out hair, with masks on, looking sick.  I am sure that I don't belong here, but I do.  I do. I just can't get my head around it. 

They call us back.  Jim and I go back ...even though I shouldn't be here.  They take my vitals, whatever.  It must have been a year until the Dr. came in.  "Well, you came in at Stage 1 C 3."  Wait!  What did he say?  Stage 1.  How could that be.  They told me in the Hospital that I would probably be Stage 3.  I'm so happy, I'm confused.  He tells me that the only place they found Cancer cells was in the wash of the cavity after they took everything out.  Not in the lymph nodes or anything.  Wow.  This is better than we could have asked for or Prayed for. 

The nurse removes the staples in my belly while we ask lots of questions.  What is next, what do we do now?  No IP Chemo, just IV.  That sounds better.  Chemo once every three weeks for 6 cycles.  That is going to take five months.  That is a long time.  I need to get a port in my chest.  I have to pick an Oncologist.  I have to breath.  He won't give me any future prognosis.  I want him to tell me that I am going to be fine.  That it will never come back.  He won't.  I really wish he would. 

I have to concentrate on the good in this.  God gave me symptoms.  A lot of women don't get that.  The ovary was attached to my bowel.  That is why I had pain and why I am having so much trouble pooping.  Now I have to take Milk of Mag and Mineral Oil.  Yum!  but if it makes me poop, I'll do it.  I am so blessed that God gave me pain.  If not . . . I can't even think of that now.  He must have something for me to do. . some reason that He is making me go through all of this.  I just wish I knew what it was. 

I tell Mom and Dad in the waiting room.  They are so relieved.  That was a very long hour for them!  We have lots of texts and calls to make to all the people who are praying for us.  Lets go to dinner.  I feel lighter now.  Not relaxed.  Just lighter.  For now.  There is still a long road ahead.  . .

Recovery

OK, now I'm home.  I just have to recover. I have to wait ten days to see the Dr.  Wait to find out what stage I was.  Does it really matter?  Is it going to change anything?  No matter what I still have to have Chemo.  That word still slaps me in the face.  I never imagined that I would need to talk about that.  I would never need that. What are all these people talking about.  It can't be about me.  But it is.  I need Chemo. 

Recovery is hard and painful.  I can't move around at all.  I need help to do everything.  I can't get off the couch by myself.  When I do get up I walk like an old lady, all bent over and slower than slow. 

I am angry.  I am sad.  I am in pain.  I don't get it.  I just don't get it.  I don't understand why this is happening to me and my family.  Every time I look into my husbands eyes my heart breaks again and again.  Why does he have to do this.  I don't want to and neither does he. 

I can't poop.  I know that no one wants to know that, but you don't realize what a blessing pooping is.  The gas in my bowel hurts every time it moves.  I can feel the bowel move and I want to cry, but I have to be strong - Jim's heart breaks with every painful face that I make.  I am trying so hard to be strong.  It's hard to be strong when you want to fall apart. 

My Birthday was a week after I got home from the hospital.  "Happy Birthday I Pooped!"  I know that sounds bad, but it had been ten days.  THAT is a LONG time to not poop.  It really was a good birthday present.  Other than that, we are not celebrating.  I am saving that for next year. 

This week and a half has been very long.  Waiting for the appointment.  Coming to grips that I have Cancer.  Trying to move around.  I never thought it would  be this hard.  Really hard.

Home

This was my first goal.  To get home.  Well yet again.  This is harder than I thought.  The ride home was fine, I had 2 percocet.  I don't know what I would have done with out the percocet.  To get into my house I had to go up one step.  ONE STEP.  How hard could that be?  Well harder than I was expecting.  All I wanted to do was get on the couch.  That was a long walk. 

It was so good to be home.  I'll be so much better now that I am home.  The cards and flowers started to arrive.  Wow there are a lot of people there for me and for Jim and my family.  It was so hard to take everything in while I was in the hospital.  But now it starts to sink in.  All I keep hearing is that everyone is praying for me and that I am on every prayer chain.  Some of the churches I don't even know anyone.  I'm sure that I would not have gotten this far with out all of these prayers.  I can feel them everyday.  I need them every day.  How else am I ever going to get through this?  Everyday is such a challenge.  I don't like these challenges. 

Now that I am home all I want to do is take a shower.  It will feel so good.  Wash off all the hospital smell.  I'll just go upstairs, take a shower, brush my teeth and go to bed in my very own bed.  All will be back to normal then.  Right?  Again.  Harder than I thought.  I stood at the bottom of the steps.  Wow there are a lot of steps.  Here are those prayers again.  No other way am I going to get up those steps - I had trouble with the ONE to get into the house.  How am I going to get up 14.  Here we go!  one at a time.  I am so exhausted.  i can't believe how much energy it takes to go up every step.  Next is the shower.  Nothing like having your mother giving you a shower when you're 41.  A little embarrassing, but what would I do without my parents.  They are doing their best to hold us up, but I think they need some holding up too.  They won't cry in front of me.  Which I appreciate, but I know that it is in there.  I know the tears are in me, waiting to come out when I can think again.  Now I am so exhausted I can barely stand up in the shower.  I don;t think I have enough energy to brush my teeth.  I need to sit down.  My mom brushes my hair and helps me brush my teeth while I sit on the side of the tub.  I can't do anything on my own.  Wow I need to get used to this.  The bed never seemed so far away.  Another long walk, I'm not sure I have the energy.  I can't even get into bed.  I need a step stool.  Everything is so much harder than I thought.  I know that I keep saying that, but every step is a new adventure.  They say that everyday will get easier.  I sure hope so.  Now I just need to sleep. 

Post op

I woke up the next day sure that this was all very bad dream.  It wasn't.  I so wished that it was.  Today I have to start dealing with it.  So lets Start dealing with it.  I can barely move.  It hurts to move anything.  I can't get up by my self or do anything by myself.  This is going to be harder than I thought. 

What I need to remember is that this is all from the surgery not the disease.  Dr. told me that I am "Optimally De bulked"  that means that they got it all.  I have to remember that.  It is hard.  He took everything out,  The uterus, ovaries and the lymph nodes.  I just have to wait 2 weeks to find out the staging.  But remember most woman come out at stage 3.  Not much to look forward to. 

The PA came in every day.  She was always nice and answered all my questions.  I just have to heal now. The rest will come after.  The Staging, The Chemo,The hair falling out, The new port . . . .

I need to have goals.

One goal at a time. 

Lets make the first goal to get out of the Hospital. 

Lots of people came to see me.  Lots of flowers came.  Lots of phone calls.  All were very nice and very appreciated.  I don't want there to be a reason for flowers and phone calls and visits.  I don't want to have cancer! I just want to go home.  I have to work towards that.  Maybe by Friday. 

Now it seams that I have some sort of an infection.  I have a fever, my heart rate is up to high.  My first goal is going to be harder than I thought too.  My temp and heart rate have to be normal for 24 hours before I can go home.   I can't seem to eat anything either.  My digestive tract is still sleeping.  Lots of antibiotics.  I think three bags a day.  maybe more, I'm not sure. 

OK, by Thursday my temp is down and my heart rate is better.  Friday may work out.  Now my epidural comes out, the Lovenox shots start, the Foley comes out and I have to start walking to the bathroom.  Again, harder than I thought.  I can't do it alone.  I am a pretty independent woman, but there is nothing I can do on my own.  This is going to take some getting used to. 

Friday they said I could go home.  I still haven't pooped, but they said that was OK.  I am so glad that I reached my first goal.  There are so many more to reach. . . .

Surgery Day

Tuesday was surgery day.  I did the bowel prep on Monday.  NOT FUN!  It was OK, no real problems, but yuck!  If you have never done one, you're lucky, but you'll have to one day. 

My Dr. told me the surgery would last about an hour and a half.  I went in at 8:00.  Should be done by 11:00 with anesthesia and everything.  When  I came back to recovery I remember - now- that the OR nurse was giving report to recovery and the CRNA said "Shhh she doesn't know"  I asked what had happened?  Did I have Cancer?  the answer was as it always is "The Dr. will talk to you"  I work in a hospital, I've used those words before.  I've used them casually, with out much thought of how the patients felt when I said them.  I just wanted to know!  and no one would tell me. I asked what time it was  "1:30"  "what went wrong?  what took so long?  why was it so late"  Again no answer. I had just come out of anesthesia. I went back to sleep and forgot what was said. 

When I woke up again later on.  I started to look around.  Dr. had said that if it was caner he would hang heparin, there was no heparin hanging.  that looked good.  I asked where was I going to go after.  She said that I would be going to the 7th floor along with the girl next to me.  She had her gall bladder out.  That was not the cancer floor.  That sounded good.  I thought that everything was good.  No one had said anything and I'm not going to the cancer floor.  I'm sure.  I'm fine.

When I got to the 7th floor my husband was waiting for me.  I was so happy to see him.  I was fine.  The nurses settled me in.  I was just anxious to see him, talk to him, to be relieved with him.  Finally they let him in to see me.  He looked so serious.  This is the part that makes me mad.  He came in and had to tell me that I had Cancer.  I don't think that he should have had to do it.  He's been down this road before, why did they make him go down that road again, alone.  I think that it sucked.  But anyway.  When he said the words I didn't believe him.  He must be wrong.  I must have heard him wrong.  This can't be true.  I Don't have cancer.  That happens to other people.  I didn't do anything wrong.  He had been through enough last time, he shouldn't have to go through this again.  This must be all wrong.  No No No  just wrong.

Then my step daughter came in.  She didn't deserve this either.  Her Mom died of cancer.  How was she going to handle this.  We have been together since she was 8.  Now she is 18, a senior in high school.  This is so unfair to her.  She has so much going on this year.  Prom, Graduation and picking a College.  Now she has to deal with this too. So Unfair.  I worry about her all the time anyway,  School, friends and all the pressure she has at school.  This is just another thing on her plate that she doesn't want to eat! 

My Parents came in.  Wow.  that was harder than I thought.  They looked terrified.  Trying to hold it together for me and for themselves.  It was going to be OK. We are going to fight this.  It is going to be alright.  Everyone kept saying it, but I'm not sure that anything was sinking in.  This was all a dream.  I must still be under anesthesia. 

The PA came in next.  She was very Kind and full of information.  "Most woman come to us at stage 3"  Well that is a lot of information!  STAGE 3. I didn't like the sound of that.  She was very positive.  "We have a lot to offer you as far as treatments go."  Oh yeah, I didn't think about that.  Chemo is in my future!  CHEMO.  CHEMO.  I just couldn't grasp that.  It dawned on me that this is going to be a long road.  much longer that I realized.  Cancer.  I just can't believe it. 

Everyone went home after all of this.  I was tired and overwhelmed.  I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.  Too bad this is not a nightmare.  It is for real.

The Beginning

I used to have a post here, but it is gone, I don't know how I deleted it.  I am going to try to remember what I wrote and the emotions that I had then.

This whole thing started in January when I had abdominal pain and went to the ER.  They told me that I had a kidney stone, gave me pain meds and sent me home.  I felt that I had good care and was content to go home. I was still having some discomfort, but I thought that I was OK.

Five weeks later I had that abdominal pain again.  I went to my family Dr.  She said that I had a fibroid that needed to come out - OK that doesn't sound so bad.  Now I have to go to my gynecologist.  She saw me the next day.  She gave me another ultrasound and examined me.  When she came in and sat down after the  ultrasound I knew it wasn't good.  She said I didn't have a fibroid, it was a cyst that had to come out.  She is going to send me to an oncologist.  Wait, an ONCOLOGIST!  She said that there was a chance that it could be cancer.  The words feel in the room.  Jim's face went white.  She said that she was not that concerned, but it would be best if an oncologist took it out - then if it was something - he could take care of it.  I asked - 1 to 10 how concerned are you?  About a three.  That doesn't sound so bad.  She sent me for a ca125 blood test, just to check. 

The next day was so long.  Waiting for that test.  I needed it to come back normal - so that I could breathe.  It came back - it wasn't normal - I couldn't breathe.  The people at work tried to be there for me, but all I could think about was Jim.  His first wife died of cancer, how was I going to him that I might have cancer too.  The GYN said that it wasn't that high - there are lots of reasons it could be that high.  I tried to breathe again.

Next I saw the Oncologist.  He seemed nice and unimpressed with my ca125.  Again, it is not that high.  He said he was at a 2 out of ten in concern for cancer.  Those are pretty good odds, don't you think?  Try to breathe.  The surgery is in 5 days - that is a lot longer than you would think.