Oncologist

OK.  Fast forward to now.  I'll get back to the two weeks between the appointment with the surgeon and this appointment with the Oncologist.  There is just so much about this appointment that I need to get out.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my Oncologist.  I thought that this was going to be a meet and greet.  A "hi how are you,  I'll be your oncologist." type of appointment.  It was not. 

I again find myself outside the Cancer Center.  I'm sure this is wrong.  Today it seems bigger,  I really don't want to go in.  Not because of the appointment, because of what this whole thing represents to me. 

We go in and wait.  It was a long wait this time.  I hate sitting in the waiting room with my ID wrist band on.  I know that people are looking at me - seeing the port scar on my chest - wondering "what kind of cancer does she have? Why does she still have her hair?"   I'm doing the same thing.  Looking at these people with their wrist bands, no hair, wondering . . .

We went back, the Dr. came in.  She seems nice.  Asking me all kinds of questions.  Then It hit me like... I can't even say what the feeling was like.  "We'll start Chemo on the 29th."  That is nine days away!  9 days!  I knew that it was coming.  I've known from the beginning that this day would come, but when the words came out and it was so close.... I just didn't know how to feel.  There are so many things that I have to do first.  So many appointments. I need a CAT scan before Chemo starts.  I need to get Chemo teaching.  I need to get blood work.   I need to see a Geneticist.  I need to see the surgeon so that He can sign off on all of this.  The words and the appts and the questions keep swirling around my head.  I can't catch them. I need to put them into order, get control.  Breath.  I seem to forget to do that a lot.  I need to get out of here.  I need to cry.  I don't want to cry here, I want to be strong.  This is what we wanted.  To move forward.  To start so that I can be done.  Now it all is a reality.  I want to run out of there and run and run and run. ... . .

Monday is Blood work, Chemo teaching and Surgeon
Tuesday is the Cat scan
Thursday is Chemo

I have appointments set up all the way out to August!

I need to do one day.  Finish it.  Then think about the next day.  I can't take in any more than that at one time.  It is just to much..

We leave, go to the store and them home.  I am so tired now.  It is as heavy as it has ever been.  I am so tired of caring this around.  I want to drop it and run.  Run far.  Run fast.  But I can't.  I have to stay here.  I have to be strong.  I have to Fight. 

Tonight I can't fight.  All I can do is cry.  Cry for what I've lost.  Cry for what is to come.  Cry because I'm so tired.  Chemo has always been in the future.  Now it is here.  Right in front of me. Looming.