Well the time has come. Yesterday was my first Chemo.
Wednesday was a little rough. We went to see Pastor Doug, just to get everything out and go into Chemo in the right frame of mind. It helped, but I was exhausted after. The entire night was so scary for me. I had been trying to look only one day at a time and now there was nothing else to look at, but this super scary thing. I was so tired and so much of everything, I didn't know which way to turn. I cried a lot.
I had to take steroids 12 hours and 6 hours before. That meant getting up at three in the morning and eating and taking pills, like I wasn't having enough trouble sleeping. The appointment was for 8:45. We got there on time. I went right back for them to access my port. That went well. It hurt, but not all that bad. I didn't have to wait long. Everyone I meet was very kind. They gave me a tour of the place and showed me my cubbie. They started with premeds which included more steroids. Then the Chemo started. I have to say it was not all that bad. I expected to feel worse during the whole thing. I did feel like my center of gravity was a little off. I was like a drunken sailor and I didn't feel like I could focus to read or anything. I didn't like that - they said that it was normal, but I still didn't like it. My peeps from work stopped by and chatted, that was nice. I did feel jittery from all the steroids. That was the worst part for the day. They gave me ativan for it and I felt better and slept some. I was done at 3:00. I was happy with that.
We came home and I was exhausted. All the meds and emotions - all I could do was sleep. I ate a little and then I went to bed and slept all night.
Today I feel better than expected. I am up and around and eating a little. I just feel like I don't have a lot of energy. I went for a little walk and that made me tired. I slept and rested most of the day. All in all, I think that I am doing OK. They said that tomorrow will be worse.
We will see what tomorrow brings.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Three Appointments
Yesterday was quite the day! Three Appointments, one after another.
Mom and Dad came to take me to the first and then Jim came for the second and the third. I thought that I was prepared for these, again I was not. I am beginning the think that I can never be prepared for any appointment.
The first one was just for blood work. I've had plenty of blood draws before. This should be the easiest of them all. I had always gone to the main hospital for that. This time they said to just go to the one in the Cancer Center. It would be closer to my other appointments.
I am again faced with the Cancer Center. YUCK. I check in and sit in the waiting room. This is a different one from the Dr.s office. This is the one where you wait to get your blood work and your Chemo. I thought the other one was bad - This one was a whole different level. There were people in wheelchairs, with their hats and wigs, looking way sicker than upstairs at the Dr.s. I feel so small. I don't want to. I don't want to do any of this. I'm sure that I am not like these people.
They call me back. They asked if I wanted the draw from my port or my arm. How do I know? I've never had my port accessed before. I didn't know what to say or what to do. They sit me in a chair in the back to wait for the port nurse. I start to look around. I'm in the Chemo room. It is so big. there are so many people getting treatments. so many nurses moving around. this is my future. this is my reality. this is who I am now. for the first time it is real. not some abstract thing. My heart is breaking. I feel so . . . The nurse calls me in. She is so kind. I sit in the recliner as she goes through my chart. I just can't take it . . I start to cry. I don't want to. I want to be strong, but I just can't.
The nurse and I decide to try the port so that we know that it will work on Thursday. It is not that bad. It hurts, but I can handle it. She tries and tries to get my blood draw, but she can't. It will flush, but not return. All of this for nothing. Now I have to have another stick, which was fine. This all took a long time. Now I'm late for my next appointment.
I pick up Mom, Dad and Jim in the waiting room and go upstairs to see the oncology PA. We go into the education room and they start a video. It must be twenty years old. It goes through what to expect. I am still so overwhelmed that I cry for the beginning. Oh, and by the way, there is nothing like watching a video about chemo and sexuality with your husband AND your parents! That made me laugh inside a little. After the video the PA comes in. She is flustered and unorganized. She reads me the side effects of a drug that I am not getting. I am tired and frustrated and she is not helping. Once she gets the right drug paper, she reads all the things that could go wrong and all the things that could happen to me. I am so sad. I sign consent. I need to get out of here. I should have taken an ativan before I came today.
Next is the surgeon. I'm late for this appt. too. I go right back. The nurse is so nice and relaxed. The Dr. comes in and examines me. He answers all of our questions and tells me that I am healing well. This was the appointment I was dreading the most, but it was the best one, the most positive.
I feel better now - they are over. I can go home now and rest.
Mom and Dad came to take me to the first and then Jim came for the second and the third. I thought that I was prepared for these, again I was not. I am beginning the think that I can never be prepared for any appointment.
The first one was just for blood work. I've had plenty of blood draws before. This should be the easiest of them all. I had always gone to the main hospital for that. This time they said to just go to the one in the Cancer Center. It would be closer to my other appointments.
I am again faced with the Cancer Center. YUCK. I check in and sit in the waiting room. This is a different one from the Dr.s office. This is the one where you wait to get your blood work and your Chemo. I thought the other one was bad - This one was a whole different level. There were people in wheelchairs, with their hats and wigs, looking way sicker than upstairs at the Dr.s. I feel so small. I don't want to. I don't want to do any of this. I'm sure that I am not like these people.
They call me back. They asked if I wanted the draw from my port or my arm. How do I know? I've never had my port accessed before. I didn't know what to say or what to do. They sit me in a chair in the back to wait for the port nurse. I start to look around. I'm in the Chemo room. It is so big. there are so many people getting treatments. so many nurses moving around. this is my future. this is my reality. this is who I am now. for the first time it is real. not some abstract thing. My heart is breaking. I feel so . . . The nurse calls me in. She is so kind. I sit in the recliner as she goes through my chart. I just can't take it . . I start to cry. I don't want to. I want to be strong, but I just can't.
The nurse and I decide to try the port so that we know that it will work on Thursday. It is not that bad. It hurts, but I can handle it. She tries and tries to get my blood draw, but she can't. It will flush, but not return. All of this for nothing. Now I have to have another stick, which was fine. This all took a long time. Now I'm late for my next appointment.
I pick up Mom, Dad and Jim in the waiting room and go upstairs to see the oncology PA. We go into the education room and they start a video. It must be twenty years old. It goes through what to expect. I am still so overwhelmed that I cry for the beginning. Oh, and by the way, there is nothing like watching a video about chemo and sexuality with your husband AND your parents! That made me laugh inside a little. After the video the PA comes in. She is flustered and unorganized. She reads me the side effects of a drug that I am not getting. I am tired and frustrated and she is not helping. Once she gets the right drug paper, she reads all the things that could go wrong and all the things that could happen to me. I am so sad. I sign consent. I need to get out of here. I should have taken an ativan before I came today.
Next is the surgeon. I'm late for this appt. too. I go right back. The nurse is so nice and relaxed. The Dr. comes in and examines me. He answers all of our questions and tells me that I am healing well. This was the appointment I was dreading the most, but it was the best one, the most positive.
I feel better now - they are over. I can go home now and rest.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Here Comes the Week
NO MORE LOVENOX SHOTS!!!! This morning was my last one. I took the box and tore it up. That felt good.
This weekend was good and bad for me. Friday was fun. I went to lunch with a friend and then to dinner with my peeps from work. It felt so good - so normal. Chatting and talking about things other than me and my Cancer. There was so much positive energy and I felt so much like myself again. I so needed to feel that way.
Saturday I paid for it. I was so tired. Physically and emotionally. It takes so much of my energy to hold everything together when I am out, so when I am home all the emotion comes out. Mom and
Dad came over in the afternoon and helped clean up the house and go out to dinner. It is nice that I don't have to worry about that. But that has more emotions. Mom brought over a notebook that my Grandmother wrote. Just quotes and thoughts she liked. Saturday was not the day for me to read it. Just couldn't deal with that. So Tired.
I Woke up crying on Sunday. Just so much to face this week. It is starting to rise up in front of me. I just don't want to do it! I ordered head scarves. I thought that I was prepared for that. I had looked at them and thought about which ones I might like. That is different than actually purchasing. The knowledge that I am actually going to need them. That my hair is really going to fall out. I knew it, but now it is real. It broke my heart. I wish that I was stronger and that it didn't bother me. I really don't think that being bald is going to be that bad, it is what it represents to me that hurts. Sometimes I'm just not that strong.
Jim is not that strong all the time either. He needs to fall apart sometimes too. Sunday night was that for him. We are both angry and sad and overwhelmed and we have to get it out. There were a lot of tears on Sunday night. This week is rising up in front of him also. It is different for him, but the same. I wish I knew how he was feeling all the time and I wish he understood how I was feeling all the time. I know that it is not possible, but I wish it was.
Today is going to be a lot. three appointments. Looming....
This weekend was good and bad for me. Friday was fun. I went to lunch with a friend and then to dinner with my peeps from work. It felt so good - so normal. Chatting and talking about things other than me and my Cancer. There was so much positive energy and I felt so much like myself again. I so needed to feel that way.
Saturday I paid for it. I was so tired. Physically and emotionally. It takes so much of my energy to hold everything together when I am out, so when I am home all the emotion comes out. Mom and
Dad came over in the afternoon and helped clean up the house and go out to dinner. It is nice that I don't have to worry about that. But that has more emotions. Mom brought over a notebook that my Grandmother wrote. Just quotes and thoughts she liked. Saturday was not the day for me to read it. Just couldn't deal with that. So Tired.
I Woke up crying on Sunday. Just so much to face this week. It is starting to rise up in front of me. I just don't want to do it! I ordered head scarves. I thought that I was prepared for that. I had looked at them and thought about which ones I might like. That is different than actually purchasing. The knowledge that I am actually going to need them. That my hair is really going to fall out. I knew it, but now it is real. It broke my heart. I wish that I was stronger and that it didn't bother me. I really don't think that being bald is going to be that bad, it is what it represents to me that hurts. Sometimes I'm just not that strong.
Jim is not that strong all the time either. He needs to fall apart sometimes too. Sunday night was that for him. We are both angry and sad and overwhelmed and we have to get it out. There were a lot of tears on Sunday night. This week is rising up in front of him also. It is different for him, but the same. I wish I knew how he was feeling all the time and I wish he understood how I was feeling all the time. I know that it is not possible, but I wish it was.
Today is going to be a lot. three appointments. Looming....
Friday, March 23, 2012
A Few Good Days
The last few days have been good. I am starting to feel more like myself. I wasn't sure I would ever feel good again.
Wednesday Jim and I went out to do some errands. Just to get out of the house. I thought he had something up his sleeve. I always know. We went and got a bird feeder so that I could watch the birds this summer, went to the bank and the dentist. Then he started to head into town. "Why are we going this way?" He said to never mind. He took me to the mall - we never go to the mall. Then to Radio Shack. I don't need anything there. We went in and He bought me an iPad! The new one! I never thought about getting one, but I love it. He wanted to do something nice for me - to surprise me. I love him for that. He was so Happy that he pulled one over on me. That never happens. I had so much fun with it, it made me smile. It was nice to smile.
Yesterday I went for a walk all by myself. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I got dressed myself, put my shoes on myself, tied them myself and walked myself. It felt so good to feel the warm air and the sun shine on my face. It made me feel like I was on my own. It was the first time I was doing something completely alone in four or five weeks. That is a long time for someone like me! I even helped make dinner. That is something I haven't done either. I haven't been able to do clean, do dishes, do laundry or anything. That was kind of nice - The only good thing that I can think of that came out of this whole thing. That and I now have nice fingernails.
We are almost done with the lovenox shots too. I have been watching the pile of 30 syringes go down ever since I got home. Every morning Jim would give me a shot in my belly and I would cross one off in my head. I know that it was so hard for him to get me up at six in the morning hurt me with a shot. Now there are only three left. It will be BIG when that is over.
I am glad that I am getting stronger before I start the Chemo. I feel like it is not quite so big today.
Wednesday Jim and I went out to do some errands. Just to get out of the house. I thought he had something up his sleeve. I always know. We went and got a bird feeder so that I could watch the birds this summer, went to the bank and the dentist. Then he started to head into town. "Why are we going this way?" He said to never mind. He took me to the mall - we never go to the mall. Then to Radio Shack. I don't need anything there. We went in and He bought me an iPad! The new one! I never thought about getting one, but I love it. He wanted to do something nice for me - to surprise me. I love him for that. He was so Happy that he pulled one over on me. That never happens. I had so much fun with it, it made me smile. It was nice to smile.
Yesterday I went for a walk all by myself. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I got dressed myself, put my shoes on myself, tied them myself and walked myself. It felt so good to feel the warm air and the sun shine on my face. It made me feel like I was on my own. It was the first time I was doing something completely alone in four or five weeks. That is a long time for someone like me! I even helped make dinner. That is something I haven't done either. I haven't been able to do clean, do dishes, do laundry or anything. That was kind of nice - The only good thing that I can think of that came out of this whole thing. That and I now have nice fingernails.
We are almost done with the lovenox shots too. I have been watching the pile of 30 syringes go down ever since I got home. Every morning Jim would give me a shot in my belly and I would cross one off in my head. I know that it was so hard for him to get me up at six in the morning hurt me with a shot. Now there are only three left. It will be BIG when that is over.
I am glad that I am getting stronger before I start the Chemo. I feel like it is not quite so big today.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Oncologist
OK. Fast forward to now. I'll get back to the two weeks between the appointment with the surgeon and this appointment with the Oncologist. There is just so much about this appointment that I need to get out.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my Oncologist. I thought that this was going to be a meet and greet. A "hi how are you, I'll be your oncologist." type of appointment. It was not.
I again find myself outside the Cancer Center. I'm sure this is wrong. Today it seems bigger, I really don't want to go in. Not because of the appointment, because of what this whole thing represents to me.
We go in and wait. It was a long wait this time. I hate sitting in the waiting room with my ID wrist band on. I know that people are looking at me - seeing the port scar on my chest - wondering "what kind of cancer does she have? Why does she still have her hair?" I'm doing the same thing. Looking at these people with their wrist bands, no hair, wondering . . .
We went back, the Dr. came in. She seems nice. Asking me all kinds of questions. Then It hit me like... I can't even say what the feeling was like. "We'll start Chemo on the 29th." That is nine days away! 9 days! I knew that it was coming. I've known from the beginning that this day would come, but when the words came out and it was so close.... I just didn't know how to feel. There are so many things that I have to do first. So many appointments. I need a CAT scan before Chemo starts. I need to get Chemo teaching. I need to get blood work. I need to see a Geneticist. I need to see the surgeon so that He can sign off on all of this. The words and the appts and the questions keep swirling around my head. I can't catch them. I need to put them into order, get control. Breath. I seem to forget to do that a lot. I need to get out of here. I need to cry. I don't want to cry here, I want to be strong. This is what we wanted. To move forward. To start so that I can be done. Now it all is a reality. I want to run out of there and run and run and run. ... . .
Monday is Blood work, Chemo teaching and Surgeon
Tuesday is the Cat scan
Thursday is Chemo
I have appointments set up all the way out to August!
I need to do one day. Finish it. Then think about the next day. I can't take in any more than that at one time. It is just to much..
We leave, go to the store and them home. I am so tired now. It is as heavy as it has ever been. I am so tired of caring this around. I want to drop it and run. Run far. Run fast. But I can't. I have to stay here. I have to be strong. I have to Fight.
Tonight I can't fight. All I can do is cry. Cry for what I've lost. Cry for what is to come. Cry because I'm so tired. Chemo has always been in the future. Now it is here. Right in front of me. Looming.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my Oncologist. I thought that this was going to be a meet and greet. A "hi how are you, I'll be your oncologist." type of appointment. It was not.
I again find myself outside the Cancer Center. I'm sure this is wrong. Today it seems bigger, I really don't want to go in. Not because of the appointment, because of what this whole thing represents to me.
We go in and wait. It was a long wait this time. I hate sitting in the waiting room with my ID wrist band on. I know that people are looking at me - seeing the port scar on my chest - wondering "what kind of cancer does she have? Why does she still have her hair?" I'm doing the same thing. Looking at these people with their wrist bands, no hair, wondering . . .
We went back, the Dr. came in. She seems nice. Asking me all kinds of questions. Then It hit me like... I can't even say what the feeling was like. "We'll start Chemo on the 29th." That is nine days away! 9 days! I knew that it was coming. I've known from the beginning that this day would come, but when the words came out and it was so close.... I just didn't know how to feel. There are so many things that I have to do first. So many appointments. I need a CAT scan before Chemo starts. I need to get Chemo teaching. I need to get blood work. I need to see a Geneticist. I need to see the surgeon so that He can sign off on all of this. The words and the appts and the questions keep swirling around my head. I can't catch them. I need to put them into order, get control. Breath. I seem to forget to do that a lot. I need to get out of here. I need to cry. I don't want to cry here, I want to be strong. This is what we wanted. To move forward. To start so that I can be done. Now it all is a reality. I want to run out of there and run and run and run. ... . .
Monday is Blood work, Chemo teaching and Surgeon
Tuesday is the Cat scan
Thursday is Chemo
I have appointments set up all the way out to August!
I need to do one day. Finish it. Then think about the next day. I can't take in any more than that at one time. It is just to much..
We leave, go to the store and them home. I am so tired now. It is as heavy as it has ever been. I am so tired of caring this around. I want to drop it and run. Run far. Run fast. But I can't. I have to stay here. I have to be strong. I have to Fight.
Tonight I can't fight. All I can do is cry. Cry for what I've lost. Cry for what is to come. Cry because I'm so tired. Chemo has always been in the future. Now it is here. Right in front of me. Looming.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Dr. Appointment
Today is the Dr. appointment. I am not sure how I feel about it. I want to go, but not so much. I feel pretty good in the morning. Nothing is going to change with any news that he gives me. I mean how much worse could it be? At least that is what I am telling myself.
We went to the Cancer Center at the Hospital. The Cancer Center. I don't belong here. I sit down in the waiting room. There are sick people here. People with out hair, with masks on, looking sick. I am sure that I don't belong here, but I do. I do. I just can't get my head around it.
They call us back. Jim and I go back ...even though I shouldn't be here. They take my vitals, whatever. It must have been a year until the Dr. came in. "Well, you came in at Stage 1 C 3." Wait! What did he say? Stage 1. How could that be. They told me in the Hospital that I would probably be Stage 3. I'm so happy, I'm confused. He tells me that the only place they found Cancer cells was in the wash of the cavity after they took everything out. Not in the lymph nodes or anything. Wow. This is better than we could have asked for or Prayed for.
The nurse removes the staples in my belly while we ask lots of questions. What is next, what do we do now? No IP Chemo, just IV. That sounds better. Chemo once every three weeks for 6 cycles. That is going to take five months. That is a long time. I need to get a port in my chest. I have to pick an Oncologist. I have to breath. He won't give me any future prognosis. I want him to tell me that I am going to be fine. That it will never come back. He won't. I really wish he would.
I have to concentrate on the good in this. God gave me symptoms. A lot of women don't get that. The ovary was attached to my bowel. That is why I had pain and why I am having so much trouble pooping. Now I have to take Milk of Mag and Mineral Oil. Yum! but if it makes me poop, I'll do it. I am so blessed that God gave me pain. If not . . . I can't even think of that now. He must have something for me to do. . some reason that He is making me go through all of this. I just wish I knew what it was.
I tell Mom and Dad in the waiting room. They are so relieved. That was a very long hour for them! We have lots of texts and calls to make to all the people who are praying for us. Lets go to dinner. I feel lighter now. Not relaxed. Just lighter. For now. There is still a long road ahead. . .
We went to the Cancer Center at the Hospital. The Cancer Center. I don't belong here. I sit down in the waiting room. There are sick people here. People with out hair, with masks on, looking sick. I am sure that I don't belong here, but I do. I do. I just can't get my head around it.
They call us back. Jim and I go back ...even though I shouldn't be here. They take my vitals, whatever. It must have been a year until the Dr. came in. "Well, you came in at Stage 1 C 3." Wait! What did he say? Stage 1. How could that be. They told me in the Hospital that I would probably be Stage 3. I'm so happy, I'm confused. He tells me that the only place they found Cancer cells was in the wash of the cavity after they took everything out. Not in the lymph nodes or anything. Wow. This is better than we could have asked for or Prayed for.
The nurse removes the staples in my belly while we ask lots of questions. What is next, what do we do now? No IP Chemo, just IV. That sounds better. Chemo once every three weeks for 6 cycles. That is going to take five months. That is a long time. I need to get a port in my chest. I have to pick an Oncologist. I have to breath. He won't give me any future prognosis. I want him to tell me that I am going to be fine. That it will never come back. He won't. I really wish he would.
I have to concentrate on the good in this. God gave me symptoms. A lot of women don't get that. The ovary was attached to my bowel. That is why I had pain and why I am having so much trouble pooping. Now I have to take Milk of Mag and Mineral Oil. Yum! but if it makes me poop, I'll do it. I am so blessed that God gave me pain. If not . . . I can't even think of that now. He must have something for me to do. . some reason that He is making me go through all of this. I just wish I knew what it was.
I tell Mom and Dad in the waiting room. They are so relieved. That was a very long hour for them! We have lots of texts and calls to make to all the people who are praying for us. Lets go to dinner. I feel lighter now. Not relaxed. Just lighter. For now. There is still a long road ahead. . .
Recovery
OK, now I'm home. I just have to recover. I have to wait ten days to see the Dr. Wait to find out what stage I was. Does it really matter? Is it going to change anything? No matter what I still have to have Chemo. That word still slaps me in the face. I never imagined that I would need to talk about that. I would never need that. What are all these people talking about. It can't be about me. But it is. I need Chemo.
Recovery is hard and painful. I can't move around at all. I need help to do everything. I can't get off the couch by myself. When I do get up I walk like an old lady, all bent over and slower than slow.
I am angry. I am sad. I am in pain. I don't get it. I just don't get it. I don't understand why this is happening to me and my family. Every time I look into my husbands eyes my heart breaks again and again. Why does he have to do this. I don't want to and neither does he.
I can't poop. I know that no one wants to know that, but you don't realize what a blessing pooping is. The gas in my bowel hurts every time it moves. I can feel the bowel move and I want to cry, but I have to be strong - Jim's heart breaks with every painful face that I make. I am trying so hard to be strong. It's hard to be strong when you want to fall apart.
My Birthday was a week after I got home from the hospital. "Happy Birthday I Pooped!" I know that sounds bad, but it had been ten days. THAT is a LONG time to not poop. It really was a good birthday present. Other than that, we are not celebrating. I am saving that for next year.
This week and a half has been very long. Waiting for the appointment. Coming to grips that I have Cancer. Trying to move around. I never thought it would be this hard. Really hard.
Recovery is hard and painful. I can't move around at all. I need help to do everything. I can't get off the couch by myself. When I do get up I walk like an old lady, all bent over and slower than slow.
I am angry. I am sad. I am in pain. I don't get it. I just don't get it. I don't understand why this is happening to me and my family. Every time I look into my husbands eyes my heart breaks again and again. Why does he have to do this. I don't want to and neither does he.
I can't poop. I know that no one wants to know that, but you don't realize what a blessing pooping is. The gas in my bowel hurts every time it moves. I can feel the bowel move and I want to cry, but I have to be strong - Jim's heart breaks with every painful face that I make. I am trying so hard to be strong. It's hard to be strong when you want to fall apart.
My Birthday was a week after I got home from the hospital. "Happy Birthday I Pooped!" I know that sounds bad, but it had been ten days. THAT is a LONG time to not poop. It really was a good birthday present. Other than that, we are not celebrating. I am saving that for next year.
This week and a half has been very long. Waiting for the appointment. Coming to grips that I have Cancer. Trying to move around. I never thought it would be this hard. Really hard.
Home
This was my first goal. To get home. Well yet again. This is harder than I thought. The ride home was fine, I had 2 percocet. I don't know what I would have done with out the percocet. To get into my house I had to go up one step. ONE STEP. How hard could that be? Well harder than I was expecting. All I wanted to do was get on the couch. That was a long walk.
It was so good to be home. I'll be so much better now that I am home. The cards and flowers started to arrive. Wow there are a lot of people there for me and for Jim and my family. It was so hard to take everything in while I was in the hospital. But now it starts to sink in. All I keep hearing is that everyone is praying for me and that I am on every prayer chain. Some of the churches I don't even know anyone. I'm sure that I would not have gotten this far with out all of these prayers. I can feel them everyday. I need them every day. How else am I ever going to get through this? Everyday is such a challenge. I don't like these challenges.
Now that I am home all I want to do is take a shower. It will feel so good. Wash off all the hospital smell. I'll just go upstairs, take a shower, brush my teeth and go to bed in my very own bed. All will be back to normal then. Right? Again. Harder than I thought. I stood at the bottom of the steps. Wow there are a lot of steps. Here are those prayers again. No other way am I going to get up those steps - I had trouble with the ONE to get into the house. How am I going to get up 14. Here we go! one at a time. I am so exhausted. i can't believe how much energy it takes to go up every step. Next is the shower. Nothing like having your mother giving you a shower when you're 41. A little embarrassing, but what would I do without my parents. They are doing their best to hold us up, but I think they need some holding up too. They won't cry in front of me. Which I appreciate, but I know that it is in there. I know the tears are in me, waiting to come out when I can think again. Now I am so exhausted I can barely stand up in the shower. I don;t think I have enough energy to brush my teeth. I need to sit down. My mom brushes my hair and helps me brush my teeth while I sit on the side of the tub. I can't do anything on my own. Wow I need to get used to this. The bed never seemed so far away. Another long walk, I'm not sure I have the energy. I can't even get into bed. I need a step stool. Everything is so much harder than I thought. I know that I keep saying that, but every step is a new adventure. They say that everyday will get easier. I sure hope so. Now I just need to sleep.
It was so good to be home. I'll be so much better now that I am home. The cards and flowers started to arrive. Wow there are a lot of people there for me and for Jim and my family. It was so hard to take everything in while I was in the hospital. But now it starts to sink in. All I keep hearing is that everyone is praying for me and that I am on every prayer chain. Some of the churches I don't even know anyone. I'm sure that I would not have gotten this far with out all of these prayers. I can feel them everyday. I need them every day. How else am I ever going to get through this? Everyday is such a challenge. I don't like these challenges.
Now that I am home all I want to do is take a shower. It will feel so good. Wash off all the hospital smell. I'll just go upstairs, take a shower, brush my teeth and go to bed in my very own bed. All will be back to normal then. Right? Again. Harder than I thought. I stood at the bottom of the steps. Wow there are a lot of steps. Here are those prayers again. No other way am I going to get up those steps - I had trouble with the ONE to get into the house. How am I going to get up 14. Here we go! one at a time. I am so exhausted. i can't believe how much energy it takes to go up every step. Next is the shower. Nothing like having your mother giving you a shower when you're 41. A little embarrassing, but what would I do without my parents. They are doing their best to hold us up, but I think they need some holding up too. They won't cry in front of me. Which I appreciate, but I know that it is in there. I know the tears are in me, waiting to come out when I can think again. Now I am so exhausted I can barely stand up in the shower. I don;t think I have enough energy to brush my teeth. I need to sit down. My mom brushes my hair and helps me brush my teeth while I sit on the side of the tub. I can't do anything on my own. Wow I need to get used to this. The bed never seemed so far away. Another long walk, I'm not sure I have the energy. I can't even get into bed. I need a step stool. Everything is so much harder than I thought. I know that I keep saying that, but every step is a new adventure. They say that everyday will get easier. I sure hope so. Now I just need to sleep.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Post op
I woke up the next day sure that this was all very bad dream. It wasn't. I so wished that it was. Today I have to start dealing with it. So lets Start dealing with it. I can barely move. It hurts to move anything. I can't get up by my self or do anything by myself. This is going to be harder than I thought.
What I need to remember is that this is all from the surgery not the disease. Dr. told me that I am "Optimally De bulked" that means that they got it all. I have to remember that. It is hard. He took everything out, The uterus, ovaries and the lymph nodes. I just have to wait 2 weeks to find out the staging. But remember most woman come out at stage 3. Not much to look forward to.
The PA came in every day. She was always nice and answered all my questions. I just have to heal now. The rest will come after. The Staging, The Chemo,The hair falling out, The new port . . . .
I need to have goals.
One goal at a time.
Lets make the first goal to get out of the Hospital.
Lots of people came to see me. Lots of flowers came. Lots of phone calls. All were very nice and very appreciated. I don't want there to be a reason for flowers and phone calls and visits. I don't want to have cancer! I just want to go home. I have to work towards that. Maybe by Friday.
Now it seams that I have some sort of an infection. I have a fever, my heart rate is up to high. My first goal is going to be harder than I thought too. My temp and heart rate have to be normal for 24 hours before I can go home. I can't seem to eat anything either. My digestive tract is still sleeping. Lots of antibiotics. I think three bags a day. maybe more, I'm not sure.
OK, by Thursday my temp is down and my heart rate is better. Friday may work out. Now my epidural comes out, the Lovenox shots start, the Foley comes out and I have to start walking to the bathroom. Again, harder than I thought. I can't do it alone. I am a pretty independent woman, but there is nothing I can do on my own. This is going to take some getting used to.
Friday they said I could go home. I still haven't pooped, but they said that was OK. I am so glad that I reached my first goal. There are so many more to reach. . . .
What I need to remember is that this is all from the surgery not the disease. Dr. told me that I am "Optimally De bulked" that means that they got it all. I have to remember that. It is hard. He took everything out, The uterus, ovaries and the lymph nodes. I just have to wait 2 weeks to find out the staging. But remember most woman come out at stage 3. Not much to look forward to.
The PA came in every day. She was always nice and answered all my questions. I just have to heal now. The rest will come after. The Staging, The Chemo,The hair falling out, The new port . . . .
I need to have goals.
One goal at a time.
Lets make the first goal to get out of the Hospital.
Lots of people came to see me. Lots of flowers came. Lots of phone calls. All were very nice and very appreciated. I don't want there to be a reason for flowers and phone calls and visits. I don't want to have cancer! I just want to go home. I have to work towards that. Maybe by Friday.
Now it seams that I have some sort of an infection. I have a fever, my heart rate is up to high. My first goal is going to be harder than I thought too. My temp and heart rate have to be normal for 24 hours before I can go home. I can't seem to eat anything either. My digestive tract is still sleeping. Lots of antibiotics. I think three bags a day. maybe more, I'm not sure.
OK, by Thursday my temp is down and my heart rate is better. Friday may work out. Now my epidural comes out, the Lovenox shots start, the Foley comes out and I have to start walking to the bathroom. Again, harder than I thought. I can't do it alone. I am a pretty independent woman, but there is nothing I can do on my own. This is going to take some getting used to.
Friday they said I could go home. I still haven't pooped, but they said that was OK. I am so glad that I reached my first goal. There are so many more to reach. . . .
Surgery Day
Tuesday was surgery day. I did the bowel prep on Monday. NOT FUN! It was OK, no real problems, but yuck! If you have never done one, you're lucky, but you'll have to one day.
My Dr. told me the surgery would last about an hour and a half. I went in at 8:00. Should be done by 11:00 with anesthesia and everything. When I came back to recovery I remember - now- that the OR nurse was giving report to recovery and the CRNA said "Shhh she doesn't know" I asked what had happened? Did I have Cancer? the answer was as it always is "The Dr. will talk to you" I work in a hospital, I've used those words before. I've used them casually, with out much thought of how the patients felt when I said them. I just wanted to know! and no one would tell me. I asked what time it was "1:30" "what went wrong? what took so long? why was it so late" Again no answer. I had just come out of anesthesia. I went back to sleep and forgot what was said.
When I woke up again later on. I started to look around. Dr. had said that if it was caner he would hang heparin, there was no heparin hanging. that looked good. I asked where was I going to go after. She said that I would be going to the 7th floor along with the girl next to me. She had her gall bladder out. That was not the cancer floor. That sounded good. I thought that everything was good. No one had said anything and I'm not going to the cancer floor. I'm sure. I'm fine.
When I got to the 7th floor my husband was waiting for me. I was so happy to see him. I was fine. The nurses settled me in. I was just anxious to see him, talk to him, to be relieved with him. Finally they let him in to see me. He looked so serious. This is the part that makes me mad. He came in and had to tell me that I had Cancer. I don't think that he should have had to do it. He's been down this road before, why did they make him go down that road again, alone. I think that it sucked. But anyway. When he said the words I didn't believe him. He must be wrong. I must have heard him wrong. This can't be true. I Don't have cancer. That happens to other people. I didn't do anything wrong. He had been through enough last time, he shouldn't have to go through this again. This must be all wrong. No No No just wrong.
Then my step daughter came in. She didn't deserve this either. Her Mom died of cancer. How was she going to handle this. We have been together since she was 8. Now she is 18, a senior in high school. This is so unfair to her. She has so much going on this year. Prom, Graduation and picking a College. Now she has to deal with this too. So Unfair. I worry about her all the time anyway, School, friends and all the pressure she has at school. This is just another thing on her plate that she doesn't want to eat!
My Parents came in. Wow. that was harder than I thought. They looked terrified. Trying to hold it together for me and for themselves. It was going to be OK. We are going to fight this. It is going to be alright. Everyone kept saying it, but I'm not sure that anything was sinking in. This was all a dream. I must still be under anesthesia.
The PA came in next. She was very Kind and full of information. "Most woman come to us at stage 3" Well that is a lot of information! STAGE 3. I didn't like the sound of that. She was very positive. "We have a lot to offer you as far as treatments go." Oh yeah, I didn't think about that. Chemo is in my future! CHEMO. CHEMO. I just couldn't grasp that. It dawned on me that this is going to be a long road. much longer that I realized. Cancer. I just can't believe it.
Everyone went home after all of this. I was tired and overwhelmed. I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare. Too bad this is not a nightmare. It is for real.
My Dr. told me the surgery would last about an hour and a half. I went in at 8:00. Should be done by 11:00 with anesthesia and everything. When I came back to recovery I remember - now- that the OR nurse was giving report to recovery and the CRNA said "Shhh she doesn't know" I asked what had happened? Did I have Cancer? the answer was as it always is "The Dr. will talk to you" I work in a hospital, I've used those words before. I've used them casually, with out much thought of how the patients felt when I said them. I just wanted to know! and no one would tell me. I asked what time it was "1:30" "what went wrong? what took so long? why was it so late" Again no answer. I had just come out of anesthesia. I went back to sleep and forgot what was said.
When I woke up again later on. I started to look around. Dr. had said that if it was caner he would hang heparin, there was no heparin hanging. that looked good. I asked where was I going to go after. She said that I would be going to the 7th floor along with the girl next to me. She had her gall bladder out. That was not the cancer floor. That sounded good. I thought that everything was good. No one had said anything and I'm not going to the cancer floor. I'm sure. I'm fine.
When I got to the 7th floor my husband was waiting for me. I was so happy to see him. I was fine. The nurses settled me in. I was just anxious to see him, talk to him, to be relieved with him. Finally they let him in to see me. He looked so serious. This is the part that makes me mad. He came in and had to tell me that I had Cancer. I don't think that he should have had to do it. He's been down this road before, why did they make him go down that road again, alone. I think that it sucked. But anyway. When he said the words I didn't believe him. He must be wrong. I must have heard him wrong. This can't be true. I Don't have cancer. That happens to other people. I didn't do anything wrong. He had been through enough last time, he shouldn't have to go through this again. This must be all wrong. No No No just wrong.
Then my step daughter came in. She didn't deserve this either. Her Mom died of cancer. How was she going to handle this. We have been together since she was 8. Now she is 18, a senior in high school. This is so unfair to her. She has so much going on this year. Prom, Graduation and picking a College. Now she has to deal with this too. So Unfair. I worry about her all the time anyway, School, friends and all the pressure she has at school. This is just another thing on her plate that she doesn't want to eat!
My Parents came in. Wow. that was harder than I thought. They looked terrified. Trying to hold it together for me and for themselves. It was going to be OK. We are going to fight this. It is going to be alright. Everyone kept saying it, but I'm not sure that anything was sinking in. This was all a dream. I must still be under anesthesia.
The PA came in next. She was very Kind and full of information. "Most woman come to us at stage 3" Well that is a lot of information! STAGE 3. I didn't like the sound of that. She was very positive. "We have a lot to offer you as far as treatments go." Oh yeah, I didn't think about that. Chemo is in my future! CHEMO. CHEMO. I just couldn't grasp that. It dawned on me that this is going to be a long road. much longer that I realized. Cancer. I just can't believe it.
Everyone went home after all of this. I was tired and overwhelmed. I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare. Too bad this is not a nightmare. It is for real.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
The Beginning
I used to have a post here, but it is gone, I don't know how I deleted it. I am going to try to remember what I wrote and the emotions that I had then.
This whole thing started in January when I had abdominal pain and went to the ER. They told me that I had a kidney stone, gave me pain meds and sent me home. I felt that I had good care and was content to go home. I was still having some discomfort, but I thought that I was OK.
Five weeks later I had that abdominal pain again. I went to my family Dr. She said that I had a fibroid that needed to come out - OK that doesn't sound so bad. Now I have to go to my gynecologist. She saw me the next day. She gave me another ultrasound and examined me. When she came in and sat down after the ultrasound I knew it wasn't good. She said I didn't have a fibroid, it was a cyst that had to come out. She is going to send me to an oncologist. Wait, an ONCOLOGIST! She said that there was a chance that it could be cancer. The words feel in the room. Jim's face went white. She said that she was not that concerned, but it would be best if an oncologist took it out - then if it was something - he could take care of it. I asked - 1 to 10 how concerned are you? About a three. That doesn't sound so bad. She sent me for a ca125 blood test, just to check.
The next day was so long. Waiting for that test. I needed it to come back normal - so that I could breathe. It came back - it wasn't normal - I couldn't breathe. The people at work tried to be there for me, but all I could think about was Jim. His first wife died of cancer, how was I going to him that I might have cancer too. The GYN said that it wasn't that high - there are lots of reasons it could be that high. I tried to breathe again.
Next I saw the Oncologist. He seemed nice and unimpressed with my ca125. Again, it is not that high. He said he was at a 2 out of ten in concern for cancer. Those are pretty good odds, don't you think? Try to breathe. The surgery is in 5 days - that is a lot longer than you would think.
This whole thing started in January when I had abdominal pain and went to the ER. They told me that I had a kidney stone, gave me pain meds and sent me home. I felt that I had good care and was content to go home. I was still having some discomfort, but I thought that I was OK.
Five weeks later I had that abdominal pain again. I went to my family Dr. She said that I had a fibroid that needed to come out - OK that doesn't sound so bad. Now I have to go to my gynecologist. She saw me the next day. She gave me another ultrasound and examined me. When she came in and sat down after the ultrasound I knew it wasn't good. She said I didn't have a fibroid, it was a cyst that had to come out. She is going to send me to an oncologist. Wait, an ONCOLOGIST! She said that there was a chance that it could be cancer. The words feel in the room. Jim's face went white. She said that she was not that concerned, but it would be best if an oncologist took it out - then if it was something - he could take care of it. I asked - 1 to 10 how concerned are you? About a three. That doesn't sound so bad. She sent me for a ca125 blood test, just to check.
The next day was so long. Waiting for that test. I needed it to come back normal - so that I could breathe. It came back - it wasn't normal - I couldn't breathe. The people at work tried to be there for me, but all I could think about was Jim. His first wife died of cancer, how was I going to him that I might have cancer too. The GYN said that it wasn't that high - there are lots of reasons it could be that high. I tried to breathe again.
Next I saw the Oncologist. He seemed nice and unimpressed with my ca125. Again, it is not that high. He said he was at a 2 out of ten in concern for cancer. Those are pretty good odds, don't you think? Try to breathe. The surgery is in 5 days - that is a lot longer than you would think.
First day
Today is the first day of my Blog. I'm not really sure how to do this, but here I go. I was the last person I would have thought would be in this place. Just to bring you up to date. On February 21th I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I am sure my story is not unique, so I though that someone else be interested in what I had to say. I am not a good typist or speller so forgive all the errors that follow, I am just trying to tell my story.
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