Surgery Day

Tuesday was surgery day.  I did the bowel prep on Monday.  NOT FUN!  It was OK, no real problems, but yuck!  If you have never done one, you're lucky, but you'll have to one day. 

My Dr. told me the surgery would last about an hour and a half.  I went in at 8:00.  Should be done by 11:00 with anesthesia and everything.  When  I came back to recovery I remember - now- that the OR nurse was giving report to recovery and the CRNA said "Shhh she doesn't know"  I asked what had happened?  Did I have Cancer?  the answer was as it always is "The Dr. will talk to you"  I work in a hospital, I've used those words before.  I've used them casually, with out much thought of how the patients felt when I said them.  I just wanted to know!  and no one would tell me. I asked what time it was  "1:30"  "what went wrong?  what took so long?  why was it so late"  Again no answer. I had just come out of anesthesia. I went back to sleep and forgot what was said. 

When I woke up again later on.  I started to look around.  Dr. had said that if it was caner he would hang heparin, there was no heparin hanging.  that looked good.  I asked where was I going to go after.  She said that I would be going to the 7th floor along with the girl next to me.  She had her gall bladder out.  That was not the cancer floor.  That sounded good.  I thought that everything was good.  No one had said anything and I'm not going to the cancer floor.  I'm sure.  I'm fine.

When I got to the 7th floor my husband was waiting for me.  I was so happy to see him.  I was fine.  The nurses settled me in.  I was just anxious to see him, talk to him, to be relieved with him.  Finally they let him in to see me.  He looked so serious.  This is the part that makes me mad.  He came in and had to tell me that I had Cancer.  I don't think that he should have had to do it.  He's been down this road before, why did they make him go down that road again, alone.  I think that it sucked.  But anyway.  When he said the words I didn't believe him.  He must be wrong.  I must have heard him wrong.  This can't be true.  I Don't have cancer.  That happens to other people.  I didn't do anything wrong.  He had been through enough last time, he shouldn't have to go through this again.  This must be all wrong.  No No No  just wrong.

Then my step daughter came in.  She didn't deserve this either.  Her Mom died of cancer.  How was she going to handle this.  We have been together since she was 8.  Now she is 18, a senior in high school.  This is so unfair to her.  She has so much going on this year.  Prom, Graduation and picking a College.  Now she has to deal with this too. So Unfair.  I worry about her all the time anyway,  School, friends and all the pressure she has at school.  This is just another thing on her plate that she doesn't want to eat! 

My Parents came in.  Wow.  that was harder than I thought.  They looked terrified.  Trying to hold it together for me and for themselves.  It was going to be OK. We are going to fight this.  It is going to be alright.  Everyone kept saying it, but I'm not sure that anything was sinking in.  This was all a dream.  I must still be under anesthesia. 

The PA came in next.  She was very Kind and full of information.  "Most woman come to us at stage 3"  Well that is a lot of information!  STAGE 3. I didn't like the sound of that.  She was very positive.  "We have a lot to offer you as far as treatments go."  Oh yeah, I didn't think about that.  Chemo is in my future!  CHEMO.  CHEMO.  I just couldn't grasp that.  It dawned on me that this is going to be a long road.  much longer that I realized.  Cancer.  I just can't believe it. 

Everyone went home after all of this.  I was tired and overwhelmed.  I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.  Too bad this is not a nightmare.  It is for real.