Three Appointments

Yesterday was quite the day!  Three Appointments, one after another. 

Mom and Dad came to take me to the first and then Jim came for the second and the third.  I thought that I was prepared for these, again I was not.  I am beginning the think that I can never be prepared for any appointment.

The first one was just for blood work.  I've had plenty of blood draws before.  This should be the easiest of them all.  I had always gone to the main hospital for that.  This time they said to just go to the one in the Cancer Center.  It would be closer to my other appointments. 

I am again faced with the Cancer Center.  YUCK.  I check in and sit in the waiting room.  This is a different one from the Dr.s office.  This is the one where you wait to get your blood work and your Chemo.  I thought the other one was bad -  This one was a whole different level.  There were people in wheelchairs, with their hats and wigs, looking way sicker than upstairs at the Dr.s.  I feel so small.  I don't want to.  I don't want to do any of this.  I'm sure that I am not like these people. 

They call me back.  They asked if I wanted the draw from my port or my arm.  How do I know?  I've never had my port accessed before.  I didn't know what to say or what to do.  They sit me in a chair in the back to wait for the port nurse.  I start to look around.  I'm in the Chemo room.  It is so big.  there are so many people getting treatments.  so many nurses moving around.  this is my future.  this is my reality.  this is who I am now.  for the first time it is real.  not some abstract thing.  My heart is breaking.  I feel so  . . .    The nurse calls me in.  She is so kind.  I sit in the recliner as she goes through my chart.  I just can't take it . . I start to cry.  I don't want to.  I want to be strong, but I just can't.

The nurse and I decide to try the port so that we know that it will work on Thursday.    It is not that bad.  It hurts, but I can handle it.  She tries and tries to get my blood draw, but she can't.  It will flush, but not return.  All of this for nothing.  Now I have to have another stick, which was fine.  This all took a long time.  Now I'm late for my next appointment. 

I pick up Mom, Dad and Jim in the waiting room and go upstairs to see the oncology PA.  We go into the education room and they start a video.  It must be twenty years old.  It goes through what to expect.  I am still so overwhelmed that I cry for the beginning.  Oh, and by the way, there is nothing like watching a video about chemo and sexuality with your husband AND your parents!  That made me laugh inside a little.  After the video the PA comes in.  She is flustered and unorganized.  She reads me the side effects of a drug that I am not getting.  I am tired and frustrated and she is not helping.  Once she gets the right drug paper, she reads all the things that could go wrong and all the things that could happen to me.  I am so sad.  I sign consent.  I need to get out of here.  I should have taken an ativan before I came today. 

Next is the surgeon.  I'm late for this appt. too.  I go right back.  The nurse is so nice and relaxed.  The Dr. comes in and examines me.  He answers all of our questions and tells me that I am healing well.  This was the appointment I was dreading the most, but it was the best one, the most positive. 

I feel better now - they are over.  I can go home now and rest.