Jim's Story

Well, I guess it't time for me to blog about how I am doing and about how this ordeal is affecting me. I checked with Misho and she granted me "guest blogger status"!       I've watched Misho blog, read her posts and thankfully seen what a positive impact it has been for her.  I can truly appreciate the healing power of writing down your thoughts and feelings. When my first wife died of breast cancer in 1998, I found it very healing to be able to "tell" the pages of paper how I felt.  The paper and pen accepted what I wrote, they did not judge me or give me advice.  In some way, they offered me a place to go and be myself, a place to "put down" what I was going through, a place to be completly understood.

Yesterday, Misho blogged about her "bubble", that place we all have, a place where each and everyone of us thinks we are kept safe,.......where we..."think"....we are safe............

Looking back to 1998 is still hard for me, Sue was very sick before Easter and died the Friday night after Easter Sunday.  It's odd that the smell of Easter flowers and chocolate bunnies makes me sad.....but they do....they always will......

Back then I was living in a large "bubble", not fully appreciating what my life really meant.  Sue's illness and passing were such a shock to me in so many ways.  She was diagnosed in June of 1997 and died the following April. She was 37 years old and I was 34.  Our precious daughter Devin....was 4 and 1/2.
Telling Devin that Mommy was gone is and was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  It makes me cry still.  Like it's doing right now..............

My bubble was gone, broken into so many pieces that the helplessness and hopelessness were beyond comprehension. As the years passed I felt that losing my spouse put me in this weird kind of "club" , a club that only people who lost a spouse to cancer could join, a club, as I found out thru the years, that accepts one another for what has happened to it's members, who know how your feeling when you just look into their eyes, a club where it is ok to cry, ok to be sad. Most of all each and everyone of us completely understand the pain and all that goes with it.

Thankfully,  several years later, I met Misho........I still remember the very first time I saw her...I remember her smile, and her beautiful eyes that looked at me with care and understanding as we spoke at length that night.  I also remember that night, as I drove home that deep down I knew I could very easily fall in love with her.

Fast Forward:.....dating, engagement, wedding, new house, new truck, and for Devin-grade school, middle school, high school and soon.....graduation...
A whole new, big gigantic BUBBLE.   A bubble so large you could do anything and not feel as if the world and our lives together were in any danger of changing.  We lived without concern for any ill or issue that came our way, we lived freely, in some ways, carefree........that is until Valentines Day - 2012.

Misho has some moderate pain on the Friday before, Monday, family doctor, Tuesday Gynocologist......."well it has to come out surgically, preferably by an Oncology Gynocologist"...........A WHAT?......."an Oncology Gynocologist....just in case".....IN CASE OF WHAT??......"in case its malignant"..." and let's pull a CA(cancer antigen)125".......WHY???....."just in case".......OH MY GOD!!!

We just stared at each other in the exam room.......Our bubble had just broken open.......
And my own happy, quiet, safe place suddenly became numb and sick to it's stomach. I felt open and vunerable, I felt scared, I felt just like I did 15 years ago.  I don't even think I had enough tears to cry, they were scared too.

It was anything but a Happy Valentine's day.  The results of the CA 125 would come on Wednesday.  I was home alone when Misho called.......the tone of her voice made me feel sick, when the words started to come through the phone I got weak, I slid off the couch onto the floor and began to scream, NO, NO, NO, NO.......I was screaming so loud I didnt even hang up the phone.  I yelled and screamed so loud that I thought my neighbors would come running over.  I looked out the window and yelled, I laid on the floor and cried, I cried until Misho came home,  she picked me up off the floor, we just held each other tight and cried...........................................................................................Our bubble was gone....................