Chemo week is here again. I am feeling way better about it this time - I know what to expect. I am just starting to feel good - like normal. So now I have to buck up for treatment on Thursday. I am putting on the Armor of God - going into battle - so that I feel that I can fight as I go into that terrible place. Another verse I try to keep close is "I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until this disaster has passed." Psalm 57:1. I am going to hide in His wings to get through this week - and this whole thing. I told my mom yesterday when she took me to my four appointments that I don't ever want her to take me for treatments. It is too hard - to much for her - I want to protect her from all that sadness.
My appointments yesterday went pretty well. The waiting room was crowded. There was this one girl - a little younger than I - watching me as I came in and got my blood work. She had already lost her hair and I think she was waiting to go in for her chemo to start. I'm sure I know what she was thinking - Wow, someone young like me - Why does she still have her hair - she doesn't look that sick . . . I know that she hates the waiting room as much as I do - her bubble is gone too.
We are girls with broken bubbles. When cancer comes into your life, the bubble that protects you from the world - that keeps you from all the pain and sorrow - that makes you think that nothing bad is ever going to happen to you - shatters into a million pieces, thrown out into the world - every one representing a part of your old life. There are so many pieces. You try to stick them back together - to rebuild your bubble - cutting yourself - feeling all the pain that the bubble used to protect you from. You try to pretend that it didn't break - that you are fine - that you really don't have cancer - it is all just a bad dream. You try and try and try . . . but your life will never be the same.
I still have my hair - it is thinning out, but at least you still can't tell. Not looking forward to tomorrow, but I think that I am more prepared this time - less tears.
Hey my sweet neighbor!! Thinking and praying for you so much this week! You keep that Armor of God on as you go into Battle!!! He will give you the strength that only He can give!!! You are so brave and strong! Praying for Jim and your parents too. I know it is so hard on them. As parents I know they want to take it all away and go through it for you but can't. I'm here if you need anything! Love, Leslie
ReplyDeletePraying for you Misho. Things are so hard to understand, but, somehwere we can come to know that God is in control and He loves us, even more than we love each other. Praying that the "downtime" is shorter, and that God will speak to you in mighty ways during that downtime. One time when I was going through a very bad time, I was meditating on my favorite verse: Isaiah 40:31...They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up on wings, just like the Eagles, they run and not grow weary and they will walk and not be faint. I am praying that verse for you. When I was facing that hard time in my life, I went to a counselor, and I yelled back at him, "what do I do while I am waiting"? He said to praise the Lord. I said, I don't feel like praising. But, that is what God wants us to do. I know it sounds hard, and you don't feel at all like doing that, but, I would encourge you to do that. Please know we care a lot and are praying for your whole family.........Danny
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