Happy Easter

Happy Easter!

It is nice to say it and mean it.  The last few days have been so good that I can say it whole heartily.  Easter holds a whole new meaning for me now.  I have always believed in Easter and all that it holds for me, but I had never had to hold on to it before.  I had never faced death head on before.  Pastor Doug said that God doesn't promise us one more breath, He promises us eternity.   "Because He lives I can face tomorrow"  Things for me to keep. 

Through out this process, I have learned a lot.  We lived in a bubble.  I thought that nothing bad was ever going to happen to us - that we were protected some how.  This whole thing burst that bubble in a big way.  It let the whole world into our lives.   A world of life and death -  a world of love and support - a world of pain and tears - a world of kindness and caring.  A world that I did not expect to find. 

I have also been surprised by what it is like to have cancer.  It is not just the Cancer - it's the emotions.  I knew that the Chemo was going to be bad - that the physical part of this would be so hard.  I am stubborn - I can handle it.  As long as I know what to expect - I can face it head on - but I am not always so sure how to handle the feelings.  I know now that after my treatment there will be a time that I feel like myself - that there will be an end to how I am feeling physically - there is no break from the emotions.  There is always another hurdle coming my way.  

The next hurdle is my hair.  Now is the time frame they gave me for my hair to fall out.  I keep pulling on it, waiting for it to come out in my hand.  I don't think that being bald is going to be that bad, but the process is the hard part.  Shortly after my surgery I cut my hair short - a step towards going bald.  I though that I would get used to the short hair and then there would be less hair for me to see when it falls out, but every time I looked in the mirror all I saw was me being sick.  Now I don't mind so much.  I am hoping that I will feel that way after it all comes out.  I am so afraid to look at myself in the mirror for the first time.  I think that it will break my heart.  I am feeling so well now that I can pretend that I'm OK.  Once it is gone, there is no more pretending.  (I am holding out a small amount of hope that it will  just thin out - I have a lot of hair so I could loose a lot without noticing.  I know that it will fall out, but I can hope) 

I am also afraid of the way that people will look at me.  Now I can go to the store and walk around and no one knows that I am going through this.  Once I am wearing a head scarf, everyone will know - there will be no question.  People will watch as I walk by and think "that poor woman has Cancer"  I know - Ive done it. People will treat me differently.  I'm not sure how to handle it.  I think that it will make me sad. 

I am feeling well and enjoying my time without appointments.  They will be here before I know it.