Yesterday was better. For most of it anyway. The mornings are hard. It takes me a while to get going, but once I do, it is usually OK. By about 7:00 in the evenings, it starts down hill again. I was so sick last night. It took a while for the meds to make me feel better, a long time.
It is not only the sick that makes me so sad, it is the back sliding. Before the chemo started I was starting to feel like myself again. I could get off the couch without thinking, I could go up the steps and not be exhausted, I could feel normal. Now I am back to where I was right after the surgery. The steps are so long again, especially the last few. I have to think about standing up, make sure that I am upright and stable before I start to walk. I hate that. It is discouraging and sad.
This morning I was still sick and so tired.
I had appointments in the afternoon. I wasn't sure that I would make it, but I did. First the blood work then to the oncology PA. I think that the worst part of the appointments is the waiting room. I know that I have said it before, but it really is the part that makes me cry every time. The blood draw wasn't bad, the PA was very nice, but sitting there breaks my heart every time. There is such sadness, such sickness, such hope, such weariness there ... I just can't believe that this is my life now. I don't know how this happened. The sadness, sickness, hope, weariness - they are all mine.
I am done with appointments for almost two weeks. That is the longest time without an appointment ... since this whole thing started.
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