Well what I have been dreading is here. My hair is falling out. Not all at once like I though, but still. I thought that I would wake up and there would be clumps on the pillow or when I washed it there would be lots of hair in the drain. That hasn't happened. Every time I touch my head - a few hairs come out in my hand and my scalp feels funny. I'm not sure which is worse - it coming out all at once or the waiting. I keep looking at myself in the mirror wondering what I am going look like. I am sure that I am going to look sick - like a cancer patient. That is something that I have been trying to avoid - then I won't be able to pretend anymore. It will be slapping me in the face every time I see myself. I was so afraid to wash it last night. I cried just getting into the shower. This part is harder than I thougt it would be. It is just hair - it will grow back. I thought I could handle it - that I was strong. I am not that strong.
Today I went to Candy's Place. It is a cancer wellness center. They gave me a tour and showed me what they had to offer me and my family. I just kept thinking that I don't belong here - I'm not "in treatment". It's not like the waiting rooms that I hate so much - it is a lovely place with so much love and kindness emitting from it. They just kept telling me how much they could help me feel better - I believe them, but I just can't help but cry. I just don't want to have cancer - I don't want to do this any more. I just don't want to. But again, I have no choice.
I don't think that I have really accepted the fact that I am a cancer patient - I am in treatment - I do belong. I want to pretend that it isn't true. Maybe by the time I am done with whole thing I will have accepted it, but I don't think so.
I am doing well. I don't want everyone to think that I don't have good times. I am able to be out and about. Having dinner with my friends from work - cooking with Jim - feeling like myself. I am going to be OK, I know that. It is just going to be a rough road.
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