These last few days have been hard on me. I have been uncomfortable and sad. I was so afraid that something was wrong, that the cancer was coming back. I know in my head that everything was OK, but the fear creeps in sometimes - like little mice running across the floor. I try to plug up all the holes that let them in, but they always find their way. I know that women die from this cancer and I was just afraid.
I went to the Dr. yesterday and was so disappointed. My blood work came back and my platelets and white counts were low. I did so well last time - everything came right back after my treatment. I recovered so quickly and felt so good. I was so surprised when they came back low. So disappointed - like I had failed. I know in my head that I didn't - but it still feels like I did. If they don't come up by Thursday - no chemo until Monday. I know that it doesn't sound that bad, but that will push everything back. July 12th won't be the last. She also sent a ca125 - cancer marker - and a UA to make sure that my discomfort wasn't anything.
I went to support group last night. It was good. I realized that I am lucky. There were so many in a worse place than I. It felt good to tell my story to people who really understood everything - they were in the midst of it too. I hope that I am as strong as they are.
The Dr.'s office called today. I was so scared. I didn't think that I would hear from them until Wednesday. First she told me that my UA was good. Then she asked if I had some time. I sure didn't like the sound of that. Then she told me that my ca125 was NORMAL. Wow. I couldn't believe it. I felt like I could exhale for the first time in a week. I think that I believe for the first time that the cancer is really gone. I know that they told me that I was "optimally debulked", but now I think that I believe it.
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