Recovery

OK, now I'm home.  I just have to recover. I have to wait ten days to see the Dr.  Wait to find out what stage I was.  Does it really matter?  Is it going to change anything?  No matter what I still have to have Chemo.  That word still slaps me in the face.  I never imagined that I would need to talk about that.  I would never need that. What are all these people talking about.  It can't be about me.  But it is.  I need Chemo. 

Recovery is hard and painful.  I can't move around at all.  I need help to do everything.  I can't get off the couch by myself.  When I do get up I walk like an old lady, all bent over and slower than slow. 

I am angry.  I am sad.  I am in pain.  I don't get it.  I just don't get it.  I don't understand why this is happening to me and my family.  Every time I look into my husbands eyes my heart breaks again and again.  Why does he have to do this.  I don't want to and neither does he. 

I can't poop.  I know that no one wants to know that, but you don't realize what a blessing pooping is.  The gas in my bowel hurts every time it moves.  I can feel the bowel move and I want to cry, but I have to be strong - Jim's heart breaks with every painful face that I make.  I am trying so hard to be strong.  It's hard to be strong when you want to fall apart. 

My Birthday was a week after I got home from the hospital.  "Happy Birthday I Pooped!"  I know that sounds bad, but it had been ten days.  THAT is a LONG time to not poop.  It really was a good birthday present.  Other than that, we are not celebrating.  I am saving that for next year. 

This week and a half has been very long.  Waiting for the appointment.  Coming to grips that I have Cancer.  Trying to move around.  I never thought it would  be this hard.  Really hard.