Back to Work

I am back to work.  Yesterday was my second day.  I am working Mondays and Thursdays.  It has gone better than I expected.  Everyone has been very nice and helped me find everything again - Everything has been moved and there is all kinds of new equipment that I have never heard of.  When I asked, someone said "We have had that for six months".  I said "Well I've been out for nine months!"  "Oh yeah" 

It does feel good to have some part of my old life back again - to feel useful again, if only a little bit.  I have done better than I thought I might.  I thought that the Chemo might have fried my brain - that I would not be able to remember my job, but it is coming back to me.  Like riding a bike.  Slowly, but surely.  I even remembered my password to get into the computer.  I was impressed with myself for that one! 

I am tired after work!  I spent most of last nigh on the couch and then slept about ten hours.  I don't think that I am strong enough to work full time yet, two days a week seems to be just right for now. 

I am on my way!  It feels good. 

Going Back to Work

The time has come.  I am going back to work - part time anyway.  Not until November 8th, but now I have a hard date.  I am scared.  I have been out of work since February - Valentines Day.  That was a really long time ago.  What if I have forgotten everything?  What if the Chemo has fried my brain?  What if my brain just doesn't work like it used to?  I am going to have patients depending on me to take good care of them - what if I can't?  What if? What if?  What if ???  I know that sounds like a lot of 'what if's, but there they are.  I used to be so sure of myself at work - I have done this job for almost fifteen years - I have seen a lot of things go down and I was always sure of what was expected of me.  Now - I am not the same person - I have Changed!  Some changes have been for the best - I'm sure.  But some ...now I am less sure of myself, of my body.  My body has let me down - now I just don't know how it will react to anything anymore.  I'm sure it will all be fine and it will all come back to me - like riding a bike.... I'm sure . . . 

I am getting better.  I have hair now!  Enough to Wash!!!  I washed my hair today!  I know that to everyone else that is an everyday thing, but I can't even remember the last time I had enough hair to wash.  Now I am waiting for it to be long enough to color again - I hate the Gray.  I haven't seen my natural color in a really long time - maybe College?  and there is way more gray than I remember!  I stopped into the hair dresser the other day.  Just to say Hi and I was hoping he would say "Sure there is enough to color it"  He didn't.  He said maybe by the Holidays.  I guess I should just be happy that I can wash it.  And now I have enough hair to shave my legs.  I am not so happy about that, but it is another way that I am back to normal. 

I am ashamed to say that I have not been working out since my ports came out.  I was sore and tired and I just didn't do it.  I am confessing to you - my faithful readers.  I am going to get back on that horse this week - I promise.  I am accountable to you - so I have to.  Thank you for that - with out you readers I would just forget it - be lazy - and never get back into shape.  But with you - I will!

Thanks for all the prayers and support - I can feel it!

My Ports are Gone!!!

My ports are finally gone!  I am so happy about that.  I am a little sore and tired, but they are GONE.  My last big procedure - over.  I am on my way to getting healthy.  No more going backwards, only forwards. 

Last night we went out to dinner with the people from Jim's work.  It was a "Celebration of Life" for me and fellow cancer survivor Rich.  It was so nice to feel all the love and positivity coming from everyone.  I really felt the Celebration.  I am Living and I am a Survivor! 

As for working out, I have not.  Just recovering for a couple of days and then back to it - I promise. 

I think that I am going to go back to work soon - maybe November.  I am scared - What if I can't do it, what if I get to tired?  I have some time to decide - until I recover.  I'm gonna have to go back sooner or later. 

My Ports are Comming Out!!

Covered Bridge is over!  And my Ports are coming out!  And my bloodwork is Normal!!  I'm having a pretty good week. 

For once I got pushed up instead of getting pushed back.  The Dr. called and moved my port removal up a week, so I am getting them out Tomorrow!  I am excited.  This is the last of the big procedures.  I shouldn't need any more after this.  I think that it will be cleansing to have them out. 

I had to have bloodwork done to get the ports out and for the first time in seven months - it came back competely normal.  That is a really good feeling.  There have been times that it was close to normal, but there was always something.  this time - nothing was off.  I know that I am not normal - But now I Am Normal! 

I told you that I was going to start training for the 10 k next year and I have.  Today I walked 0.8 miles on the treadmill.  That doesn't sound like much, but I started.  I promised that I would and I have.  I have a really long way to go, but I took the first step! 

Fair is Over!

Fair is over.  We all survived and are getting ready for the Covered Bridge.  I spent way to much time on the couch this year!  I am surprised how little time I was able to work.  I really thought that I would do better - I am disappointed in myself.  Everyone was fine with me going home and resting and I appreciate that, but I would rather be the strong one.  The one that can muscle through it.  Apparently I am not that person! 

Everyone is also wondering when I am going back to work.  I am wondering that myself!  If fair taught me anything, it is that I am not ready to go back yet.  I didn't work eight hours in a row all week.  I did a lot of laundry and some cooking at home and then went in and tired to work some.  The thought of being on my feet all day and being responsible for patients - I'm just not there yet.  The insurance keeps calling and so did my boss.   I want to say that I am strong and ready, but I'm just not. 

I get my ports out in two weeks and I am excited about that!  It is another procedure, but it will be so nice to be done with them.  They don't hurt - they are just irritating more than anything - a reminder of all that I have been through.  Looking in the mirror is quite a reminder as well!  My hair is going back - more gray than I would like - and the wrong color.  I can't wait until I can color it.  My eyebrows are back as well.  I may have to have them waxed soon.   That will certainly be a milestone, won't it! 

I have set a goal for myself.  I am writing it so that I will HAVE to do it.  All of you who read this blogg will be my witness.  Don't let me out of it!  This Sunday Candy's place is haveing a 10 K relay.  Next Year I AM Going To RUN the ENTIRE THING!!!  That is my Goal.  I will be well enough and strong enough.  I will Do It! 

That is all for now.  All and all I am doing well and getting stronger every day. 

Fair Day Two

Here I am again on the couch.  I only made it two hours today.  I am really disappointed  with how I am doing this week and it only just started.  As always I thought that I would be stronger.  I thought that I would last longer.  I know that I did too much yesterday and now I am paying for it.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better. The more time on the couch today means less time on the couch tomorrow. Every day I hope that I am getting stronger - but it will never be fast enough for me!

The fair is here!

The fair has started and I am at my mom's house. I worked for a while today, but now I am out of gas and on the couch. It was really hard to come home and rest, but if I don't I won't have anything left for the rest of the week. We are all wearing our ovarian cancer wrist bands.  Remember September is ovarian cancer awareness month!!