Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I Caught the Carrot

I finally caught the carrot.  Yesterday was my last treatment!  I can't believe that it is finally over.  I am so tired, but now I know that I am on the way up and I don't have to go down again. 

Monday, July 23, 2012

Treatment Tomorrow

It is like a carrot on a stick.  They just keep dangling the end of this thing - or nightmare, depending on how you look at it - in front of my nose and pulling it away.  I had blood work today - expecting my platelets to be back again.  Well, they were, but my white counts were to low.  Was not expecting that. 

The Dr. said that I could try today for my treatment if my platelets came up.  So I went in today - accessed my port and had my blood work drawn - and waited for them to tell me that I could go.  They did not.  Dr. Said NO.  But I got a neupogen shot and I can have my treatment for sure tomorrow. 

I feel like it is never going to be over.  I get myself all worked up and then get shot down - twice now.  I am glad that I know tomorrow will be it.   Then there will be a whole new set of things to think about, but for now I am going to be happy when I am done.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

No Treatment Tomorrow

Got my bloodwork done today and it is in the toilet again.  Well not really - just my platelets are.  They are 77 and they need to be over 100.  Dr. says that I have to wait until next Thursday.  I have an appointment with her in the morning - hopefully I can try my bloodwork again on Monday.  We will see. 

Soooo sad today. 

Monday, July 16, 2012

Three days to Go

Three days until my last treatment - if it goes.  I am feeling a lot better since my transfusion.  I'm really glad that I got it  - even though I didn't want to do it. 

Yesterday Jim, Devin and I entered some of our art work into a show in Wilkes Barre. I had played around with some crayons and some water colors - It was fun - sort of freeing.  Got a bunch of feelings out without really realizing it.  They just sort of fell out onto the paper.  They aren't any good, but they mean something to me. 

After we dropped our stuff of we went shopping for Devin's dorm room.  That was kind of fun and I had enough energy to do it.  Last week I would not have been able to do it. 

Now I am just counting down to Thursday.  Tuesday I get a neupogen shot, blood work and another shot on Wednesday and then Dr. and treatment on Thursday.  Almost done!

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Doughnuts for Blood

Yesterday I got my Stwo units of blood.  It went OK.  No real problems.  We stopped and picked up doughnuts for everyone at the Cancer Center.  The intake guy saw the doughnuts and said " Doughnuts for Blood"  It made me laugh.  I hated getting the blood.  Knowing that Someone else was a part of me now.  I am glad that I got it - that it was available to me.  I do feel better.  I have more energy and Jim says that I have a lot more color now. 

Six more days until my last treatment - if it goes.  I just keep counting down - hoping.  It feels like it will never get here. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The count down begins

Today is the beginning of the countdown to the last treatment!  One week from today could be my last treatment EVER!!!  The problem is that I'm not sure that it is going to go off. 

I went for blood work today. I had let myself forget what it was like there.  I still hate walking in - even though everyone there is wonderful.  They are so caring - beyond my understanding - they always try to make me laugh even when I'm so sad. 

I asked for blood work today because I didn't feel good and I want to do everything that I can to make sure that I can get my treatment.  Well, I'm really glad that I did.  It is in the toilet to say the least!  Everything is to low. And then I heard the words that I was dreading, but knew were coming - "Have you had a transfusion yet?"  No I have not!  But I am now - back to the Cancer Center - my second trip for today - for a type and cross.  Tomorrow I go for two units of whole blood.  Yuck!  It should take about five hours, so it will be just like another treatment - except I should feel a lot better after it is over.  I sure hope so. 

I am getting better at dealing with this whole thing.  I have been prepared for most everything that has come my way recently.  This blood work thing - I was not prepared.  I just thought I was gonna get through this less scathed than I have.  I just need for this to be OVER! 

I guess that this will all be worth it in the end.  To be healthy again - to be able to do what I want again.  Sometimes it is just hard to see. 

My life has been moving along.  We had Devin's graduation party and she and Jim have gone for orientation for college.  We are trying to saver every moment - everything goes by so fast.  Devin gave me an Anniversary card on the fourth of July.  It had been 10 years since we meet at the fireworks at Kirby park.  It seems like yesterday. 

We are doing OK.  I don't want you to think that it is all bad here.  We do find the time to appreciate each other and everything around us. 

The light at the end is near.  Seven days to go - I hope! 

Monday, July 2, 2012

Treatment #5 is done

Well # 5 is down, only one more to go.  I thought that sounded good, but it really isn't all that great.  Today is Monday and I am still on the couch.  I thought that I would be feeling better by now, but I'm not. 

I saw a new Dr. before my treatment - my Dr. is out for 6 weeks medical leave - she sent me for 3 neupogen shots in a series.  That means that I had to go to the cancer center for 5 days in a row.  Wednesday for bloodwork, Thurday, Dr. and treatment and then Friday, Saturday and Sunday for shots.  That is way toooo many days in a row.  And they are not making me feel any better.  I really thought that they would help me feel better faster, but they are not.  I have so little energy this time around.  I am also taking steroids - they are supposed to help me, but they just seem to make me more emotional and I sure don't need any help there - I am pleany emotional on my own. 

I just feel like I want this to over so badly that the end is getting farther away each time I look for it.  The end is in sight, but I just can't get there.  I am so tired of being tired that I just can't explaine it.  I have been watching the Olympic Trials on TV this week and I am jealous on so many levels.  Everyone is so healthy and strong, doing what they want to do and moving on with their lives.  I am on the couch, unable to do what I want and am weaker than I have ever flet before.  Last summer I was running - this summer ... not so much. 

Devin's graduation party is this weekend and we are trying to get everthing ready ahead of time and I am not much help.  I want to, but I just don't have the energy.  It is just discourging.  I just want to be done.  I thought that I would be stronger.  That I was young and in good shape and I would march through this.  I don't feel strong any more - physically or mentally. 

I am counting down the days.  I know that it won't be long and then all I will have to do is heal.  I am sure that it will take longer than I want it to, but I know that I will heal and I will be strong again.  I know that those days are coming.  That I will be the same person I used to be.  I know that they are coming - I just am geting impatient for them. 

I am sitting outside typing today.  It has cooled off and the birds are cherping.  It is nice just siting and waiting for the bear to come by again.  I really am lucky - some days it is just hard to remember that.