Thursday, June 28, 2012

Treatment #5

Treatment number 5 today.....Guest Blogger Jim writing. Moving Forward. So, so slowly....the past three weeks have been better for Misho physically.....she has has several shots of neupogen to increase her white blood cell count. She wants to do a lot of things, to be normal again, but fatigue gets the best of her most days. Each day is one more day closer to being done, but the time seems to go by so slowly. The energy required to mentally prepare for another day, another appointment, another treatment can be exhausting. We have a window seat again! I know that may sound silly but the sun is bright, the sky is so blue and somehow that makes us feel "ok" inside. The cancer center is slower today, that is comforting also. It is difficult to see all of the patients in every phase of treatment.... Some seem scared, some are very old and frail and most painful are the ones who are so young. I cannot begin to tell you how wonderful the entire staff is here. The level of care is at its highest level, especially the concern for us. I really don't know how they do this each day. They are truly special. I cannot begin to thank them enough. Our treatment today is starting later, we had to see the doctor. She was very nice, filling in in for our regular MD. Misho was quite restless for the first two hours, she has been asleep for almost An hour now. Seems like as the treatments advance she gets more tired. She was upset today, just tired of the whole thing, wishing it could be over, wishing to be normal again. It's been so long since the heavy, heavy feeling of her cancer has let us just breath... Hopefully time will not burden us with worry, but perhaps time will give us peace, peace to feel relaxed again, and maybe even time to feel normal again, even if for only a moment....... Jim

Monday, June 25, 2012

Getting Tired of This

Hi everyone.  I really don't have much news.  We are just moving forward.  Only two more treatments.  I go for blood work every week now.  My white count and platelets have been really low lately.  That just means that I have to go for a neupogen shot.  It is not that bad, but they hurt.  It just makes it seem like this is just dragging on and on.  If I don't get pushed back anymore ( which there is no grantee) I will be done in a month.  I like the sound on that, but right now it seems very far away.  When you look at it - where I came from - a month should be nothing.  Really I have been through so much.  It has been four months so far.  I should have no trouble with just a month, but I am so tired of this.  It is getting harder each time, I don't bounce back like I did before.  I just really want to be done.  I am tired of the Cancer Center - I am just tired. 

Friday, June 15, 2012

Just an update

Hi everyone.  Just wanted to check in with you.  Things here are moving along with out much fan fare.  I had blood work on Wednesday.  It came back good - probably the best it has been in quite a while.  I think that it is the two shots of neupogen that I got last week.  They really hurt, but apparently they work. 

while we were in for my blood work at the cancer center, there were these young girls selling wrist bands - like the live strong ones - a different color for each kind of cancer.  My color is teal, in case you were wondering.  Jim bought a bunch of them and we each put one on.  It seems mindless and like a little bid of nothing to wear a wrist band.  It is supposed to say they you support someone or remind you of someone.  Jim said that his is just a little to small - that it pinches him and is a bother.  Mine, on the other hand, is to big.  It moves up and down and gets caught all the time.  It occurred to me that these bands are a lot like cancer.  They don't fit anyone.  They get in the way.  And all you want to do is take them off.  The difference is that I can't take mine off, it is in the way of my life and it sure doesn't fit. 

I took my band off, I wish I could take my cancer off - but I can't. 

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Four down, Two to Go......

Well, here we go again! Treatment number 4 is about to begin. It's 6 days behind due to Misho's bloodwork being low. (Guest Blogger Jim is posting today) Thankfully the 6 day wait, a shot of nupegen and lots of rest did the trick. Her blood work is better this morning than it was last time so I am hoping that her post treatment days will be better than last time. ......She has her pre-meds hanging now and she is driftng off to sleep as I type.... She woke up this morning and was upset, she did'nt sleep well and her mind was going places it should'nt. It does that sometimes, seems to creep up and come out of nowhere. We asked for a window seat today, it's away from the nurse's station and bathed in sunlight, there is a fountain outside and lots of blooming plants. The cancer center is slow today, I'm thankful for that. Misho went to support group last night. She came home looking so much better. I am so proud of her for going. She knows how important it is not to keep things inside, how free it feels to speak them and then let them go. I think it must be so hard to keep things bottled up, to not think of or share your cares and concerns with someone. 10:03 am, chemo starting, she is awake watching "Ellen"......soon asleep......very tired today. 11:20 am, asleep again. 12:00 pm, restess, walked around. lunch and some friends visiting from work. 12:30 pm, asleep again. 1:00 pm, first 500cc bag is done. 1:45 pm, second med done. 2:00 pm, on our way home. 66.66% of her Chemo treatments are behind us now! 2:45 pm, asleep on the couch.......peacefully. It feels good to "turn the corner" with the treatments. It also feels like it will never end. It gets "old" after awhile.....bloodwork,appointments,chemo......etc.... etc... each day brings us closer to the end and that does feel good.... I have to say sometimes I can't believe this is happening to us.. and to me. Having gone thru this before, makes my journey now harder and I feel very scared at times. Today I also felt strong for me and especially for Misho. I felt that we are slowly getting thru this. It is a very difficult place to be, but having each other is comforting. Jim Misho said some of you are having difficulty posting comments. I used "Internet Explorer" to find Mish's Blog and did not any problem commenting. We really like when you comment, it makes us feel more connected and understood. Thanks, Jim

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Hi, I know it has been a While

Sorry that it has been so long.  We have had a lot going on around here lately.  Devin Graduated from High School this week.  That has been fun, but also a bit stressful.  We had company and did a few meals here at the house.  I was not all that much help, but I tried. 

Jim and I went to the beach last weekend.  It was supposed to be a relaxing getaway, some fun for the two of us - so that we could forget - we could not.  I know that it was because we did so much on Friday - driving, shopping, eating out - but Saturday I was without energy - completely.  I really couldn't do anything.  We tried to walk on the beach and I had to take a break - we didn't walk that far - I was so tired.  I felt the worst I have felt during this whole thing.  I didn't like it at all.  I just wanted to have fun and I was tired.  We came home on Monday - it took seven hours - it usually takes four. 

Tuesday was Baccalaureate for Devin's Graduation.  Her Aunt and Uncle had come to visit and see Devin graduate.  We had a nice dinner here and then went to the service.  There were 700 people there.  I tried, but I was really tired.  I hate that. 

I went to the Dr. on Wednesday.  Blood work and then an appointment with doctor.  Yet again I was unprepared for what was to come.  I knew that I had not been feeling as well as I should, but I thought that I would just try my blood work again on Monday.  My counts were much lower then they had ever been - they were in the toilet!  I should probably not have gone to Baccalaureate - or at least should have worn a mask.  Now I need a shot of Neupogen - to boost my bone marrow - that hurt!  There is nothing to do about the platelets.  They just have to have time.  They need to be 100 - mine were 49 - a long way to go.  Next is a whirl of new appointments - my Dr is going on leave for six weeks  - so now I have to see someone else next time.  I was again overwhelmed.  Everything that I had planed on over the next few weeks is all up in the air now. 

Graduation was Wednesday night.  We had sandwiches here at the house.  I tried - but I was tired and  overwhelmed on lots of levels.  I just didn't know which way to turn.  Oh, by the way, Jim's Mom fell and went to the hospital on Tuesday at six in the morning, just to add to the fun.  She is OK, but still one more thing on our plate this week.

I am so tired - physically and mentally.  I have no energy - I want to do stuff, but there is just not enough  energy to be had.  I am so tired of this whole thing.  I know that I am half way, but it doesn't feel like it - it feels like forever.  It feels like it will never end. I want to feel good again - like my self again - it feels like that will never happen.  I know that there are people who have it way worse than I do.  I try to remember that, but it is hard.  This whole thing is hard.