Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Dancing in the Rain

Shortly after my surgery, I was at the grocery store and saw a card.  It said "Life is not waiting for the storms to pass, It's about learning to Dance in the Rain"  or something like that.  I want to Dance in the Rain! 

I am thinking today about how lucky I am.  Cancer is bad, don't get me wrong, but I am finding the lucky in it.  I am lucky that I had symptoms, what would it be like if I didn't - I can't even imagine.  I am lucky that I am stage one.  There are not enough stage ones out there, women don't find out nearly soon enough.  I am lucky. 

I am lucky that I have great insurance.  How much harder would it be if we couldn't pay for all of these meds and treatments.  I have never been to the doctors or had so many prescriptions in my entire life.  It can be very daunting, but I am lucky. 

I am not alone - there are so many people that are alone in this fight.  I have so many people here for me - my beautiful husband.  I couldn't do this without him, even though this is so beyond hard for him, I need him so much and I appreciate him so much.  I have my parents.  This is killing them inside, but they are here with me every step of the way- with out fail.  I have so many people praying for me - sending me cards - just being there for me.  I have found so much kindness in the world that I really didn't think existed.  I am so lucky. 

I want to live my life.  I don't want to waist the gifts that God has given me.  He is the one that made me so lucky.  I want to live my life like it was meant to be. 

I want to Dance in the Rain!!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Hanging in There

I am starting to feel better - a lot faster this time I think.  I did laundry and the dishes today.  That is something for me.  I am tired of being tired though.  It is hard to feel so good last week and then everything over the weekend was so hard.  I slept though the treatment on Thursday and then for the evening.  Friday was OK - not much nausea which was nice.  The Dr. changed my premeds around and I think that really helped.  The weekend I didn't really get off the couch much.  I tried to fold laundry and it just made me exhausted.  Monday night I got sick again - like last time.  I think that after that I start to feel better.  I just want to feel normal again.  August seems so far away. 

My hair is falling out a lot now.  I don't know what to do with it.  should I just shave it off or try to keep it as along as I can.  I have a bridal shower to go to on Sunday.  I don't want to be bald, but at this rate - I think that I will be.  I just want to look OK, you know.  I have to make sure that I have a hat to match what ever I am going to wear.  I just think that I look so bad these days - I'm cut up like a Christmas turkey, my hair is gray and falling out.  It does something to your self esteem.  I know that it is going to be OK and that it will grow back and that I will look good again, but it seems like a long way off.  I don't think that I will have hair again until Thanksgiving. 

I am going for reflexology at a Cancer Resource center tomorrow.  I am looking forward to it.  I am hoping that it lifts my spirits a little.  I have been having neuropathy in my hands and feet this time.  Maybe this will help that.  It makes it hard to sleep when  the soles of your feet ache. 

I am doing OK.  Better than I thought I would be now.  I just want this to be over.  That's all. 

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Two Down

Two down and four more to go.  that sounds like a lot to me.  feeling better this time around.  I didn't have to take all the steroids before.  I think that made it better.  Still hard to focus.  I'm tired and feel like I have the flu bad. 

My hair is really falling out now.  There is hair everywhere.  It just falls out on it's own, with out me touching it.  I think that I have about a quarter of the hair I used to have.  I have hats and scarves ready to go, but I hate to think about using them. 

I will post again when I am feeling better.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Jim's Story

Well, I guess it't time for me to blog about how I am doing and about how this ordeal is affecting me. I checked with Misho and she granted me "guest blogger status"!       I've watched Misho blog, read her posts and thankfully seen what a positive impact it has been for her.  I can truly appreciate the healing power of writing down your thoughts and feelings. When my first wife died of breast cancer in 1998, I found it very healing to be able to "tell" the pages of paper how I felt.  The paper and pen accepted what I wrote, they did not judge me or give me advice.  In some way, they offered me a place to go and be myself, a place to "put down" what I was going through, a place to be completly understood.

Yesterday, Misho blogged about her "bubble", that place we all have, a place where each and everyone of us thinks we are kept safe,.......where we..."think"....we are safe............

Looking back to 1998 is still hard for me, Sue was very sick before Easter and died the Friday night after Easter Sunday.  It's odd that the smell of Easter flowers and chocolate bunnies makes me sad.....but they do....they always will......

Back then I was living in a large "bubble", not fully appreciating what my life really meant.  Sue's illness and passing were such a shock to me in so many ways.  She was diagnosed in June of 1997 and died the following April. She was 37 years old and I was 34.  Our precious daughter Devin....was 4 and 1/2.
Telling Devin that Mommy was gone is and was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  It makes me cry still.  Like it's doing right now..............

My bubble was gone, broken into so many pieces that the helplessness and hopelessness were beyond comprehension. As the years passed I felt that losing my spouse put me in this weird kind of "club" , a club that only people who lost a spouse to cancer could join, a club, as I found out thru the years, that accepts one another for what has happened to it's members, who know how your feeling when you just look into their eyes, a club where it is ok to cry, ok to be sad. Most of all each and everyone of us completely understand the pain and all that goes with it.

Thankfully,  several years later, I met Misho........I still remember the very first time I saw her...I remember her smile, and her beautiful eyes that looked at me with care and understanding as we spoke at length that night.  I also remember that night, as I drove home that deep down I knew I could very easily fall in love with her.

Fast Forward:.....dating, engagement, wedding, new house, new truck, and for Devin-grade school, middle school, high school and soon.....graduation...
A whole new, big gigantic BUBBLE.   A bubble so large you could do anything and not feel as if the world and our lives together were in any danger of changing.  We lived without concern for any ill or issue that came our way, we lived freely, in some ways, carefree........that is until Valentines Day - 2012.

Misho has some moderate pain on the Friday before, Monday, family doctor, Tuesday Gynocologist......."well it has to come out surgically, preferably by an Oncology Gynocologist"...........A WHAT?......."an Oncology Gynocologist....just in case".....IN CASE OF WHAT??......"in case its malignant"..." and let's pull a CA(cancer antigen)125".......WHY???....."just in case".......OH MY GOD!!!

We just stared at each other in the exam room.......Our bubble had just broken open.......
And my own happy, quiet, safe place suddenly became numb and sick to it's stomach. I felt open and vunerable, I felt scared, I felt just like I did 15 years ago.  I don't even think I had enough tears to cry, they were scared too.

It was anything but a Happy Valentine's day.  The results of the CA 125 would come on Wednesday.  I was home alone when Misho called.......the tone of her voice made me feel sick, when the words started to come through the phone I got weak, I slid off the couch onto the floor and began to scream, NO, NO, NO, NO.......I was screaming so loud I didnt even hang up the phone.  I yelled and screamed so loud that I thought my neighbors would come running over.  I looked out the window and yelled, I laid on the floor and cried, I cried until Misho came home,  she picked me up off the floor, we just held each other tight and cried...........................................................................................Our bubble was gone....................

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Here We go Again

Chemo week is here again. I am feeling way better about it this time - I know what to expect.   I am just starting to feel good - like normal.  So now I have to buck up for treatment on Thursday.  I am putting on the Armor of God - going into battle - so that I feel that I can fight as I go into that terrible place.  Another verse I try to keep close is "I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until this disaster has passed."  Psalm 57:1.  I am going to hide in His wings to get through this week - and this whole thing.  I told my mom yesterday when she took me to my four appointments that I don't ever want her to take me for treatments.  It is too hard - to much for her - I want to protect her from all that sadness. 

My appointments yesterday went pretty well. The waiting room was crowded.  There was this one girl - a little younger than I - watching me as I came in and got my blood work.  She had already lost her hair and I think she was waiting to go in for her chemo to start.  I'm sure I know what she was thinking - Wow, someone young like me - Why does she still have her hair - she doesn't look that sick . . .   I know that she hates the waiting room as much as I do - her bubble is gone too. 

We are girls with broken bubbles.  When cancer comes into your life, the bubble that protects you from the world - that keeps you from all the pain and sorrow - that makes you think that nothing bad is ever going to happen to you - shatters into a million pieces, thrown out into the world - every one representing a part of your old life.  There are so many pieces.  You try to stick them back together - to rebuild your bubble - cutting yourself - feeling all the pain that the bubble used to protect you from.  You try to pretend that it didn't break - that you are fine - that you really don't have cancer - it is all just a bad dream.  You try and try and try . . . but your life will never be the same.

I still have my hair - it is thinning out, but at least you still can't tell.  Not looking forward to tomorrow, but I think that I am more prepared this time - less tears. 

Friday, April 13, 2012

My Hair is Falling Out

Well what I have been dreading is here.  My hair is falling out.  Not all at once like I though, but still.  I thought that I would wake up and there would be clumps on the pillow or when I washed it there would  be lots of hair in the drain.  That hasn't happened.  Every time I touch my head - a few hairs come out in my hand and my scalp feels funny. I'm not sure which is worse - it coming out all at once or the waiting.  I keep looking at myself in the mirror wondering what I am going look like.  I am sure that I am going to look sick - like a cancer patient.  That is something that I have been trying to avoid - then I won't be able to pretend anymore.  It will be slapping me in the face every time I see myself.  I was so afraid to wash it last night.  I cried just getting into the shower.  This part is harder than I thougt it would be. It is just hair - it will grow back.  I thought I could handle it - that I was strong.  I am not that strong. 

Today I went to Candy's Place.  It is a cancer wellness center.  They gave me a tour and showed me what they had to offer me and my family.  I just kept thinking that I don't belong here - I'm not "in treatment".  It's not like the waiting rooms that I hate so much - it is a lovely place with so much love and kindness emitting from it.  They just kept telling me how much they could help me feel better - I believe them, but I just can't help but cry.  I just don't want to have cancer - I don't want to do this any more.  I just don't want to.  But again, I have no choice. 

I don't think that I have really accepted the fact that I am a cancer patient - I am in treatment - I do belong.  I want to pretend that it isn't true.  Maybe by the time I am done with whole thing I will have accepted it, but I don't think so.

I am doing well.  I don't want everyone to think that I don't have good times.  I am able to be out and about.  Having dinner with my friends from work - cooking with Jim - feeling like myself.  I am going to be OK, I know that.  It is just going to be a rough road. 

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Happy Easter

Happy Easter!

It is nice to say it and mean it.  The last few days have been so good that I can say it whole heartily.  Easter holds a whole new meaning for me now.  I have always believed in Easter and all that it holds for me, but I had never had to hold on to it before.  I had never faced death head on before.  Pastor Doug said that God doesn't promise us one more breath, He promises us eternity.   "Because He lives I can face tomorrow"  Things for me to keep. 

Through out this process, I have learned a lot.  We lived in a bubble.  I thought that nothing bad was ever going to happen to us - that we were protected some how.  This whole thing burst that bubble in a big way.  It let the whole world into our lives.   A world of life and death -  a world of love and support - a world of pain and tears - a world of kindness and caring.  A world that I did not expect to find. 

I have also been surprised by what it is like to have cancer.  It is not just the Cancer - it's the emotions.  I knew that the Chemo was going to be bad - that the physical part of this would be so hard.  I am stubborn - I can handle it.  As long as I know what to expect - I can face it head on - but I am not always so sure how to handle the feelings.  I know now that after my treatment there will be a time that I feel like myself - that there will be an end to how I am feeling physically - there is no break from the emotions.  There is always another hurdle coming my way.  

The next hurdle is my hair.  Now is the time frame they gave me for my hair to fall out.  I keep pulling on it, waiting for it to come out in my hand.  I don't think that being bald is going to be that bad, but the process is the hard part.  Shortly after my surgery I cut my hair short - a step towards going bald.  I though that I would get used to the short hair and then there would be less hair for me to see when it falls out, but every time I looked in the mirror all I saw was me being sick.  Now I don't mind so much.  I am hoping that I will feel that way after it all comes out.  I am so afraid to look at myself in the mirror for the first time.  I think that it will break my heart.  I am feeling so well now that I can pretend that I'm OK.  Once it is gone, there is no more pretending.  (I am holding out a small amount of hope that it will  just thin out - I have a lot of hair so I could loose a lot without noticing.  I know that it will fall out, but I can hope) 

I am also afraid of the way that people will look at me.  Now I can go to the store and walk around and no one knows that I am going through this.  Once I am wearing a head scarf, everyone will know - there will be no question.  People will watch as I walk by and think "that poor woman has Cancer"  I know - Ive done it. People will treat me differently.  I'm not sure how to handle it.  I think that it will make me sad. 

I am feeling well and enjoying my time without appointments.  They will be here before I know it. 

Friday, April 6, 2012

On the Way Up

The last few days have been good, not great, but good.  I am pleasantly surprised as how well I am feeling.  I do run out of energy rather quickly, but at least I have some energy to run out of. 

On Wednesday I went to see the Stations of the Cross in the morning with my Mom and then we went Easter shopping.  I got up early, got dressed, ate and was out of the house by 9:00. That is quite something for me.  I was tired by lunch, but I was happy that I was starting to feel a little like my self again. 

Thursday was even a little better.  Devin and I went shopping for her Prom shoes.  It was nice.  I don't want to miss anything because I'm sick.  I want to keep living my life and this was a big part of that.  We got pizza for dinner and sat on the floor and ate it like we used to.  Jim went golfing and out for a while with a friend.  He needs to be normal again too.  It was really nice for him. 

Today is nice too.  We went to the Bird Feed store, I like it there, there is so much life there.  I am seeing more life in my days,  I know that I will go back down again when my next treatment comes, but it is nice to know that there will some life to my life in between. 

This weekend is Easter.  I am seeing it in a whole new light and I am looking forward to it. 

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Dealing with It

Yesterday was better.  For most of it anyway.  The mornings are hard.  It takes me a while to get going, but once I do, it is usually OK.  By about 7:00 in the evenings, it starts down hill again.  I was so sick last night.  It took a while for the meds to make me feel better, a long time. 

It is not only the sick that makes me so sad, it is the back sliding.  Before the chemo started I was starting to feel like myself again.  I could get off the couch without thinking, I could go up the steps and not be exhausted, I could feel normal.  Now I am back to where I was right after the surgery.  The steps are so long again, especially the last few.  I have to think about standing up, make sure that I am upright and stable before I start to walk.  I hate that.  It is discouraging and sad. 

This morning I was still sick and so tired. 

I had appointments in the afternoon.  I wasn't sure that I would make it, but I did.  First the blood work then to the oncology PA.  I think that the worst part of the appointments is the waiting room.  I know that I have said it before, but it really is the part that makes me cry every time.   The blood draw wasn't bad, the PA was very nice, but sitting there breaks my heart every time.  There is such sadness, such sickness, such hope, such weariness there ... I just can't believe that this is my life now.  I don't know how this happened.  The sadness, sickness, hope, weariness - they are all mine. 

I am done with appointments for almost two weeks.  That is the longest time without an appointment ... since this whole thing started. 

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Chemo Effects

Well I've had my chemo and now I am feeling it's effects and I don't like it.  When I came home the first time, I slept.  Friday I felt weird, but OK.  I could manage it.  Saturday and Sunday not so much.

Saturday was bad.  I can't even explain how it feels.  Like there is something bad coursing through my veins.  I felt tired and sick and jittery and sore and like I have the flu.  But like no other flu you've ever had before. The nausea comes and goes and comes again.  The ache parts are there most of the time. The ativan helps some for the jitters and lets me relax a little.  I still can't poop.  I know that you don't want to know, but I can't.  I look forward to it though.  I ate a little bit at a time, but I was never quite sure if I should or not. 

Saturday night was even worse.  The nausea was bad, even after the meds.  I just couldn't go down to sleep.  The ativan is the only thing that helped.  That didn't even last, I had to take more in the middle of the night. 

All I can say is that I don't like it at all. 

Sunday is better.  Still so tired that I can't do much of anything.  I can focus a little better today.  Be able to read and watch TV.  Not so much nausea today.  I'm able to eat a little here and there, some soup and crackers and the like.  I feel like I am on the way up at least.  I will just have to manage the symptoms now. 

One down five more to go!